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Dog Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Tuesday, October 23, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I didn't take the dogs out to go to the bathroom before going to bed for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, I was going to bed early. Usually I'm up well past midnight, but I decided to try and start my day bright and early this Tuesday, so I was in the bathroom finishing my bedtime routine around 11:30. This all matters because my wife had gone upstairs a mere hour and a half before me, and both dogs went outside to the bathroom with her, before the little one, the mama's boy, went to crawl into bed with my wife. These dogs can hold it for quite some time, so I figure even with the 1.5 hour start, both of them would be comfortable until morning, 6 hours away.

Second, we have a doggy-door. So really, our polly-prissy-pants pitbulls can expel whatever they want, whenever they want. They have compete, and one could argue, too much, freedom.

"Dad, please open the human door for us for no apparent reason!"
If you need to  pee. Go pee. If you need to poop, same thing. Go poop.

And finally, the last reason I didn't wake up the pups to take them out to pee is that I'm lazy sometimes. Most of all right before bed. And I didn't want to take them out, knowing the probable outcome of that action would be one of them barking into the night like a cacophonous metaphor for life, and then I would have to wrangle that metaphor back into the house.

Essentially, I let sleeping dogs lie. Just like they tell you too.

It did not work out well for me.

Matt Fact #424: My Elbow's Deep Cuts

Wednesday, October 17, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

I have the sharpest elbow. Yes, elbow, not elbows. It's the right one. Obviously.

Trust that I want to regale you with tales that go against my very nature. Bludgeoning. Perhaps a fairytale like instance whereby I was attacked in the woods by some mystical beast, and just before its outsized incisors clamped down firmly on my exposed throat, down came a haymaker that hit like a spearhead, my right elbow thrust straight through the beast's skull.

Never happened.

Suicide Prevention is More than Just a Hotline

Wednesday, September 26, 2018 | 0 Comment(s)

(Trigger warning: This post deals almost exclusively with the topic of suicide. Knowledge is power.
If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org )

Suicide is once again in the news. Between Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, and Kate Spade (and since I started writing this piece Anthony Bourdain) -- the public is reminded that no one can buy out of depression. Fame doesn't protect people from loneliness or helplessness. A number of weeks ago Boston "shock-jock" sport radio host Kirk Minihane shared, publicly, his recent brush with suicidal ideation, and the help which he luckily received. It was a burst of raw humanity from a man who often spends his hours on the radio waves spewing sewage, which aims to tear others' humanity away. Nobody is all one thing.

The greater truth is that suicide is a major problem in the USA. For Americans aged 10-34, suicide is the second leading cause of death after unintentional injury. For those 35-54, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death after unintentional injury, cancer, and heart disease. In 2016, there were more than twice the number of suicides (44,965) than there were homicides (19,362, NIMH). More than twice.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Wednesday, August 29, 2018 | 1 Comment(s)

I've been wearing hats since my parents let me leave the house in them.

By high school, a ball cap atop my dome was a staple. I vividly remember my excellent all-business 12th grade calculus teacher, may she rest in peace, who wouldn't allow hats in her classroom. At the time I was an observant conservative Jew (I know, I know, things change) who wore a yarmulke and tallit katan under my shirts. Most teachers in my completely Christian town didn't want to touch the whole "Jewish thing" with a 10-foot pole, and they let me wear my hat instead of my yarmulke. But not Ms. Murphy. She was way too smart for that shit. 

She said, "If you require a head-covering for my class, it has to be a yarmulke."

And, for the record, she was totally correct. She had a strict "No Hats" rule. She had no problem with my religious practices, but she knew that the Jews didn't command baseball caps in Math class, and she put her reasonable foot down firmly. Man, she was an amazing teacher. 

Anyhoo. I want to regale you with stories of my deep love for head coverings, the aesthetics and aerodynamics of brimmed outerwear, and how wearing caps changed my life for the better. The truth is, I've been waiting for my hair to fall out since I was 14.