*Authors Note* This post is now 10 years old and it remains one I feel ambiguously about. While the following piece accurately reflects my feelings in that moment, I am not about shaming women for the clothes they wear. Please know this as the comedy piece, and my personal feelings on this matter (in general) have changed. 


Leggings.  Jeggings.  Jean-ies. spandex tights.  Ladies, i don't care what you call these things--it's all the same to me.
And i know that the predominant sentiment is = leggings are not pants.  In other words -- if you wear leggings, your top should come down over your midsection.  But we never talk about why this is true.

Let's talk about it.  Ladies, i can see your vagina.  And i don't want to.  It's your vagina.  After years of fighting the "less is more" sentiment on women's clothing, now we're moving towards a thin layer of black film over los labias and it's good to go.  I don't think so.

Let's go back in time shall we.  The 80's.  In the 80's spandex were an acceptable form of clothing . . . for both men and women.  This was, in retrospect, such a bad decision that most of the 90's were spent making fun of ourselves for our clothing and style choices in the previous decade (puffy bangs, jams(hammer-pants), skids, snap-brackets).  I mean, men in spandex equals junk flying around everywhere in very public view (when i told this to an female undergraduate RA she said, "well that would make things easier for us ladies."  touche.)  This was very bad.  very very bad.  The penis is not a beautiful thing at its best, but seeing it saran wrapped to a guy's leg really wasn't helping anyone.

And now the 80's are coming back.  And i have to ask, "Are you fucking kidding me?!?!"  It kills me to watch us repeat the sins that we just spent a decade trashing ourselves for.  Side-pony tails are not "back in."  Oh, people may be wearing them once again, but they still look as stupid and ill-advised as they used to.  They do.  The music should be the only thing from the 80's that lives on.

Which brings me back to: Ladies, I can see your vaginas.

What's so unbelievable about this is that vaginas are primary internal, so saying i can see it means  . . . it means . . . its bad folks.  I don't want to be, visually speaking, up in you.  And i know that guys are reading this (all 4 of them) and saying "I love seeing all of a woman's business area."  And i believe that supports my point: Women. doesn't the fact that men like this emperor's new clothes of a pants choice hint that there is something wrong.  When have you ever thought that the common man was a good judge of fashion.  They're not.  They just want to see you naked.  And leggings are the closest to seeing naked women in public as we've had in a while.

So put on that long sweater.  Dress up those leggings with a dress.  This is a public service announcement folks.  I feel like a crotchety (pun) old person saying this but ladies, "put some pants on."