Leggings: What the Devil wants for the holidays

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 | 5 Comment(s)

*Authors Note* This post is now 10 years old and it remains one I feel ambiguously about. While the following piece accurately reflects my feelings in that moment, I am not about shaming women for the clothes they wear. Please know this as the comedy piece, and my personal feelings on this matter (in general) have changed. 

Leggings.  Jeggings.  Jean-ies. spandex tights.  Ladies, i don't care what you call these things--it's all the same to me.
r u f'n kidding me
And i know that the predominant sentiment is = leggings are not pants.  In other words -- if you wear leggings, your top should come down over your midsection.  But we never talk about why this is true.

Let's talk about it.  Ladies, i can see your vagina.  And i don't want to.  It's your vagina.  After years of fighting the "less is more" sentiment on women's clothing, now we're moving towards a thin layer of black film over los labias and it's good to go.  I don't think so.

Let's go back in time shall we.  The 80's.  In the 80's spandex were an acceptable form of clothing . . . for both men and women.  This was, in retrospect, such a bad decision that most of the 90's were spent making fun of ourselves for our clothing and style choices in the previous decade (puffy bangs, jams(hammer-pants), skids, snap-brackets).  I mean, men in spandex equals junk flying around everywhere in very public view (when i told this to an female undergraduate RA she said, "well that would make things easier for us ladies."  touche.)  This was very bad.  very very bad.  The penis is not a beautiful thing at its best, but seeing it saran wrapped to a guy's leg really wasn't helping anyone.

And now the 80's are coming back.  And i have to ask, "Are you fucking kidding me?!?!"  It kills me to watch us repeat the sins that we just spent a decade trashing ourselves for.  Side-pony tails are not "back in."  Oh, people may be wearing them once again, but they still look as stupid and ill-advised as they used to.  They do.  The music should be the only thing from the 80's that lives on.

Which brings me back to: Ladies, I can see your vaginas.

What's so unbelievable about this is that vaginas are primary internal, so saying i can see it means  . . . it means . . . its bad folks.  I don't want to be, visually speaking, up in you.  And i know that guys are reading this (all 4 of them) and saying "I love seeing all of a woman's business area."  And i believe that supports my point: Women. doesn't the fact that men like this emperor's new clothes of a pants choice hint that there is something wrong.  When have you ever thought that the common man was a good judge of fashion.  They're not.  They just want to see you naked.  And leggings are the closest to seeing naked women in public as we've had in a while.

So put on that long sweater.  Dress up those leggings with a dress.  This is a public service announcement folks.  I feel like a crotchety (pun) old person saying this but ladies, "put some pants on."

leggings + Ughs (sic) = Cancer for your eyes.


  1. ladies! honestly!

    you have two choices here:
    1. use your choice of attire appropriately--be an athlete.
    2. conduct your business on the nearest corner.

    next point for discussion: dresses that put one's uterus on display...

  2. I agree completely. I rock leggings, and I def rock them with my Uggs, but my rule of thumb is the shirt, sweater, dress, whatever it is that I'm wearing, HAS to go past my tuchas, and then some.

    P.S. John is one of the four guys who reads your blog (maybe that jumps the number up to five?) and he doesn't want to see anyone else's vagina. He's told me.

  3. You've finally put into words what I could only 'harumph' about. Stay classy.

  4. I definitely don't want to see anyone's vagina (not "anyone else's," which implies that I have one myself. Contrary to rumor, I don't. I had it removed and turned into a hat years ago.).

  5. @mmf conduct your business at my nearest corner.

    @Ari great use of "tuchas"

    @BigWood Classy is my OTHER middle name

    @John That hate must be super great. Like Aretha Franklin hat great.