One Mattitiyahu to rule them All

Sunday, July 15, 2012 | 0 Comment(s)

Now I'm sure there are people out there . . . good solid wholesome people . . .  who started a blog because they just need to write, and not because of some level of narcissism.  

Nope.  I change my mind.  If you need to write, you can write in your room, on your room, in a book, with a cook, in a nook . . . i think you get me.  To blog, means to open this writing up to "the outside world."  That means feedback.   it also means you love yourself a little.  im sorry.  it does.

i love myself more than a little.  admittedly.  i love you all more than a little too, so, that makes me slightly less annoying. 

All this is to say that googling myself this afternoon (first name only . . . . like Madonna), was not entirely, or even partially, out of character.  I discovered 2 incredible things that id like to share with you today.

#1. I am the most important, influential, popular, and best Mattitiyahu on the entire earth!

This is big big news.  If you google my first name, THIS BLOG pops up #1 (and #2!).  Not only that but the #4 entry is my twitter handle and #10 is something i wrote about my name on a tumblr feed (i honestly don't know if that last sentence makes sense as I still don't completely understand the scope and limitations of Tumblr).  Most of the other entries are about jewish shit.  I dominate the top 10.  dominate.  If google doesn't define one's importance and self worth, what does?

I am the one Mattitiyahu to rule them all.  Until, of course, I catch on with the "mainstream," and then they'll be a 'Mattitiyahu-boom' generation.  and, with such a fantastic name on their side, one of those Mattitiyahu's are bound to eventually pass me in the google ranks.  But that is generations from now.  This looks to be a long reign.

Editors Note: If this happens to be your first time reading the blog, don't fret.  I'm not this gigantic of an ass-hat all the time.  Just on special occasions such as today.  Read on, it gets better.  

#2: On Page 2 of googles search results for "mattitiyahu" you see a collection of words put together in a way you'd never imagine they ever would be:

Mattitiyahu Zimbler | Woman and Ladies Corner
So, yah.  I was pretty intrigued myself, as you can imagine.  Nobody puts mattitiyahu in the ladies corner!  Or, more realistically, i was wondering which piece of my research this website was drawing from. The article seems like its written by a high functioning google translate robot.  This would be semi-acceptable if there lack of literacy didn't turn my "quotes" into the ramblings of an insane meth addict.  to wit. 

According to research conducted by Mattitiyahu Zimbler, senior researcher from the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, we tend to lie to a stranger, when introduced via e-mail or instant messaging, compared to now meet in person. “It’s bizarre that people can lie. But, surprisingly, turns out people tend to lie more time online,” said Zimbler.

Problems in this paragraph alone:
1.  i am not THE senior researcher at UMASS, i am A senior research.  though i have no idea what that means either.
2.  none of this is english.  if i try to add the words to make it english, the words only reflect a shadow of the findings.  (which in this case were, briefly, that when we are meeting a new person we tend to lie the most over email, then IM, then in person.)
3. I did not say any version of that quote.  I know this because it ISN'T bizarre that we lie.  We lie almost constantly.  It's not even always a bad thing.  And even if you think i'm wrong about this (which im not ;)), it is how I feel, and thus I wouldn't have said something else to the press.
4. I do not talk like a caricature of a dumb person in a movie about the wild west.  "People tend to lie more time online" "then somes of people like to make poopie poop by waterfall."  Don't misquote me and certainly don't dumb me down with your of effort and overall laziness in not proofreading (or more likely even copy and pasting).

Let's continue. Next paragraph/sentence:

And, according to a study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, the more a person is communicating with the same person, the more lies.  

No fucking shit Einstein.  Wow. you're saying the more opportunities we have to lie, the more we lie!  How come this breakthrough is only being reported in this online mag.?  Shouldn't this be on the new york times . . . . no.  its friggin obvious.  and this non-point has almost no connection to the study they are citing it coming from.  Yet, in this article, it's its own stand alone paragraph.  My final quote:

“The longer form of the message, the more is also a lie. Therefore, among the various media used to communicate online, e-mail is the best form of lie. Compared to speak directly when you meet, when writing e-mails you may feel more free to lie about your feelings, “said Zimbler again.

Best case scenario you all view the lines above as a sort of 'word jumble' that you have to unscramble to unlock the hidden meaning.

The article continues on and give colleague Dana Carney the same lack of editorial facial treatment.  I don't know Dr. Carney that well, but i do know that she is a woman.  I point this out only bbecause the article seems to think otherwise saying that “'Meanwhile, the farther we are with it, the easier we make decisions in a rational way and cool,' he added. "

Not good work lady ashot.  Not good work at all.

So website  I'm calling you out.  I would have written on your comments section, but they were "closed".  And your site doesn't even seem to have an about us or info page. Who are you lady a-shot?  And did i tease you when we were kids?

ps.  if ladyashot turns out to be some grass roots aid organization in some foreign country in desperate need that is exploring how to use the web et al., I automatically rescind and retract my criticism and apologize for being an ass twice in one post.

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