I've been sick for three days now, so I thought I'd bless ya'll with another one of my favorite blasts from the past.  For anyone who ever wanted to play a Fantasy Sport without having to actually care about sports in the slightest, this one's for you.
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So once again, this is either brilliant or deranged.  Let me know.

As fantasy baseball season is gearing up (no, i will not talk to you about it--this isn't Guantanamo), I realize that one of the things that people like about fantasy sports is the perceived control over the things that they have interest in.  Fantasy baseball, for instance, allows you to be the General Manager of your own baseball team.  That's cool yo.



And while fantasy sports are predominantly participated in by males, (Tangent:  I need to say some notes here.  1) I have always had at least one female member of my fantasy league.  and 2) I knew my gf (edit: wife!!!) loved me when she voluntarily played in our fantasy league one year.  That, my friends, is love.  You can't fake that.  And, that is also tremendously sexy.  Call me a fetishist but when she comes into the room celebrating Casey Blake hitting a triple, i want to ravish her.  end Tangent),  females have also gotten into the 'fantasy' realm with "Fantasy Project Runway" and similar such derivations.

So here's my idea.  Fantasy Children.  We know that 20 and 30 somethings with similar aged children become a sort of pseudo-community (if not an actual community).  Well, let's get some perceived control over those things we know we only have pseudo control over.  Namely . . . KIDS.

Of course there's gotta be rules.  You can't have your own kids on your team (that could get ugly).   You would potentially want to expand it to include a variety of ages of kids, because you could get different points for different developmental accomplishments and milestones.  For example:

Lose a tooth: 1 point (5 year olds would get value here)
Multiple teeth pulled simultaneously: 2pts. (bonus point if the front 4 go)
Getting Potty-trained: 10 pts.  (this would make 2 year olds a gold mine)
Straight A's: 5 pts.
Wins a spelling bee: 2pts.

Pubes: 13 pts (ok--this one's more for the laugh--cause i don't want to know how you'd find out)

Walking: 5 pts.
Talking in a complete sentence: 1 Point for each word in the sentence
Learning to ride a bike 4 pts.

And as the kids get older and into high school, the framework writes itself.  Points for Student Council, captain of a sports team, National Honor Society.  It's almost too easy.  How have people not thought of this before?  And I know that the examples I'm giving are fairly shall we say . . . status quo . . . in terms of the things we are supposed to value in our kids . . . but that's the beauty of it, YOU can determine what YOU value.  You can LITERALLY create your community's value system (this might be my most outrageous and wonderous pun of all time.)

And here is the kicker.  Unlike fantasy baseball, where the loser in all of this is usually quality time with loved ones, in Fantasy Children, the whole system is designed to increase a sense of community responsibility.  By wagering on each other's children you are investing in their best possible futures.  Your team gains from your community's success.  Think of your reaction if your neighbor's daughter or son (who is on your fantasy roster) gets beat up by a bully.  Let me tell you, if the feelings translate even a little teeny bit from fantasy baseball to reality--you would be pissed the fuck off (I have screamed outloud when a member of my squad went on the Disabled List).  Already that's double the number of outraged parents who are going to take action against the bullying in the community.  That has got to be a good thing.

I'm pretty sure this is brilliant.  Does anyone know anyone at the NYTimes?  Cause I think people need to hear about this.