Fox News: Dinosaur Edition

Monday, June 23, 2014 | 0 Comment(s)

So.  Give me a bit of rope on this one and I'll pay off.

Let's go back in time to when people weren't the highest rung on the species totem pole (judged solely by our preeminence at destroying the planet for everyone). Let's go back to the dinosaurs …

(because this was the tagline to about 50% of the TV I watched as a child, I image some 80's music and  a fade constructed of multiple laser beams.)

Now, imagine I appear as a human surrounded by the Mesozoic Era in all its splendor.  I'm wearing khakis.  The dinosaurs seem to ignore me and also seem to be getting along quite well considering most are on each other's menu.

As I look around, I see a great variety of shapes, sizes, and species of dinosaur as well as many other unclassified crawly-thingies.  I can only imagine that even back then there were some version of dinosaur cliques.  Maybe not, like, middle school style cliques, but more like, "this group of dinosaurs believe the world is flat, while this other group of dinosaurs is convinced its triangular."   But, you know, they've got dinosaur problems, not Homo Erectus problems.  And if you've learned nothing from Jay Z, you should at least have gleaned that everythangs got problems.  Even dinosaurs.

And for the purposes of this story let's say that the issue that seminally divides the dinosaur population is, and I can't stress this point enough, the dinosaur equivalent of our modern day global warming "debate."  Which means that the vast majority of the dinosaurs out there, certainly all your big-brained carnivores; your T-Rex, your Raptors, and also your historically-depicted-as-intelligent-due-to-their-size-and-vegetarianism Brontosaurs and Triceratops, all believe that the dinosaur equivalent of global warming exists.  Not only that, they believe to further debate the issue is lunacy.  A folly of the obtuse and misguided.

Then of course, their are the misguided.  In Jurassic Park, these would be your frilled venom spitters and maybe a pterodactyl or two, that just can't stop squaking about how dinosaur global warming is a joke, and how any number of other world-destroying issues should be taking greater precedence then this made-up product of make-believe.

I imagine the DinoTV issues looking something like this

And that's how life went on in that jungle of a planet later to be called Earth, with the majority of dinos living a little less easy in the certainty that their world view was so obviously correct.  There was a danger out there, and they would know it before it knew them.

Until the first asteroid hit.

When the first asteroid hit, everyone thought they must be shooting some dinosaur equivalent to a high budget Hollywood blockbuster in their neighborhood, and ooooh'd and ahhhh'd the realistic special effects.  The second rock killed the dinosaur mayor, and then shit got real.

"things getting real"
But for all the impacts, smoke clouds, and flying dinosaur parts, however, the screams of those venomous lizards and fleeing pterodactyls could be heard above it all.  They reveled in the carnage, realizing in these last few burning moments, that they were right all along.  And they laughed and they laughed and they laughed . . .  until their blood-filled lungs exploded and soot burst out their noses like expended sawed-off shotguns.

-I teleport back to 2014-

Which got me to wondering.  With all the scientific equipment we have today, if Extinction Via Asteroids 2.0 were to descend upon us, I bet that the human population would have at least a day's notice before final smack-down.

My question is, "What do you think the coverage on Fox News would look like in those final 24 hours?"  And you better believe they'd broadcast all the way until detonation (they'd probably have their highest ratings ever considering that most of their viewers aren't mobile any longer).  My best suggestion is to look to the ancient sky for answers, and check out those pterodactyls.

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