At this point, when I see the police lights alight behind me, I almost get giddy at the bountiful harvest of a blog post I know is about to unfold through my car window.  Almost.

This is a REAL photo I took this past Wednesday

As I mentioned recently, I get up early on Sundays to beat the church-goers and brunch-getters on my way to go swimming.  If I can be in the locker room before 9am, I am pretty much guaranteed a lane to myself for the duration of my workout.  That's the dream, that's why I'm setting my alarm on the weekend.

This past Sunday, I fed the dogs, stuck them back in bed with their slumbering mom, and voyaged out into the morning, right on schedule.  About five minutes down the road, I see a cop car with its lights going.  A recently pulled over driver is still awkwardly leaning over the center console to find their registration.

"The cops are out this morning," I said to myself, and kept cruising down the street.  Ten minutes later I see another cruiser in an alcove to my right.  I going 35.  Maybe 35.  "That cops really are out today," I  think, as my car shuffles past.


Then the lights and the pullout. This is when I would be giddy if I werent trying to get to the pool early and if it wasn't 8:30am on a Sunday.  This is the most important use of police resources.  Sigh.  Here we go again.  I honestly have no idea why I'm being pulled over this time, but the anticipation is palpable as I start surfing the web, knowing the police take 45 minutes to come to your window.


To his credit, the cop didn't ask me if I knew why he'd pulled me over.  What he did do was come to my passenger-side window to address me.  That was a new one.

"I pulled you over because your inspection stickers expired."

It was early, and I wasn't thinking, but I swear to you all that I reflexively swung my head around over my left shoulder in the direction of the back window.  After computing the officers words another second, I then whipped my head back to the front right of my windshield.

"May 2014."  Ok.  So that's my bad.  No good excuse for being 5 months late on your inspection. I'm a big dummy.

"You had this car off the road or something.  Some reason you didn't get it inspected," the cop prods to pull the string to see if maybe this forgotten inspection sticker is really a front for a huge meth ring that he's about to uncover.

"Ah, no.  I just, totally forgot it. I'll just get it inspected," I reply.  I'm not gonna lie over a friggin inspection sticker.

And then he gives me the requite, "Ok, sit tight," and heads back to his car.  I browse a few Facebook groups and start up Clash of Clans.  I figured this cop must be a super anal retentive dickwad.  Not just because he was observant enough to see that I had the wrong color inspection sticker (that's how slow I was driving by the way), but also to then flip the lights and pursue this particular infraction.  Whatever his personality, I wasn't going to get all self punitive over a forgotten inspection, and therefore, I dove back into my video game.

Five minutes later the cop came back, this time to my driver-side window.  Real creative, this guy.  He lowers his head down so he's looking me in the eye.

"Now I'm going to go ahead an issue you a verbal warning.  Usually you would get at least a written warning for a sticker as far expired as this one, but, I forgot my ticket book today, so . . . it's just gonna be a verbal warning."

"Excuse me, sir," I asked sincerely.  I had heard exactly why he said, but it was too hilarious not to have him repeat."

"I forgot my ticket pad today, so I'm giving you a verbal warning."

Bliss.

"I'll get it inspected this week officer, thanks."

Inside I'm saying, "You decided to waste my time pulling me over on what is a technicality more than a traffic violation, and you don't even have your own god damn shit together.   Hello most hypocritical traffic stop.  What a perfect time to just say everyday makes mistakes instead of all this posturing bullshit."

But more than anything I wish I'd just looked back at him and said, "Man, wish I'd been speeding."

The good news is, I'm sure I'll have another opportunity to use this line in the near future -- it's just a traffic stop away.

*Editors note: On the way home to post this piece, I GOT PULLED OVER AGAIN!  And despite my explaining that I had an appointment to get it fixed, and only got the warning two days ago.  He gave me a ticket.   So FUCK THE POLICE: Part VI -- Seriously Fuck the Police is coming soon . . .