To Bee or Not to Bey: The Battle Between Hucka and the Queen

Friday, January 23, 2015 | 0 Comment(s)

I can't in good conscience tell you that I believe Mike Huckabee has a shot at being the next President of the United States.  Let's start there.  He's too far to the right, too ├╝ber-Christian, and too ol' timey value for a modern presidency.  But even if he did, theoretically, have a chance to win the Republican nomination, he doesn't anymore.

Mike Huckabee quit his Fox News show in order to investigate the possibility of another run at the top job.  As part of his presidential run-up roll-out, he is on the talk show circuit plugging his recently published book (which I choose to not directly plug here).  Here's the best part, in his book he criticizes Beyonce . . . yes, that Beyonce, for choosing to "go sexual" in her art and, to paraphrase, to peddle porn when she's so talented.

No no. Gimme another shot at paraphrasing.  I can do better.  To paraphrase: Mike Huckabee is another White guy telling another Black woman what she should or shouldn't do with her body, sexuality, artistic expression.  Sadly, this is no new platform -- it's as old as the platforms they used to sell people on.  In the majority of cases, cases that happen constantly, everyday, all across the country, the minority opinion would be silenced and the majority point of view given a megaphone.

But that son of a bitch picked on mother fucking Beyonce.  Such a dumb move.

I grew up a dorky Jewish kid invested in school sports and the completion of homework.  I loved my parents.  My mom, a psychiatrist, worshiped Oprah.  When I got home from school the TV would be cranked all the way toward the kitchen and my mom would be cooking away to Oprah,who was holding court with the rapt attention of her studio audience and women across the country.   Since moms are superheroes who often both hold down jobs and are responsible for dinner each night, my mother's interest in this Black woman of various sizes and outfits didn't go without our notice.  If my mom worshiped Oprah, my thinking went, that lady must be a super badass.  And, for the most part, Oprah was super badass.

She was not without her flaws.  Oprah wasn't actually a deity, and mistakes were made (I'm looking at you all-girl school in Africa).  But what set the Big O above all others, back in the 90's, was her ability accept that she was flawed.  Accept that she struggled with her weight.  Accept that she pimped a con artist of an author -- and then apologize.  And promise to do better.  And mean it.

In that cycle of apology and rededication, the women of the world saw themselves. They connected to the feeling of giving life their all and still coming out imperfect, and they loved Oprah even more deeply for admitting their truth back to them.

David Letterman and Oprah got into it back in the late eighties.  While the reason for their 16-year feud hasn't been discussed directly, most sources say it stemmed from a combination of two incidents.   The first, when Letterman stuck Oprah with a dinner check as a prank, and the second, related to Oprah having a bad experience during one of her early appearances on David's Late Show.  Letterman is a huge name in comedy.  Huge.  You know who apologized to whom though . . . you better believe that is was Letterman who waived the white flag after over a decade.  The reason: You don't mess the the baddest woman in America.  You will always lose.  Oprah was that baddest woman.

I am completely certain that when Mike Huckabee penned his critique of Mrs. Carter, entrenched in the process of spewing the hot air that helps keep the educated aloft as they fly over his state, he didn't realize the shit-storm he was unleashing.  He should have stuck to complaining about those "people at Harvard" (a bad thing, in his eyes).  You don't pull the mask of the ol Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with the Bey.

Beyonce is the baddest woman in America today.  And I mean that in the best way possible.  She is pushing both her personal and the societal boundaries as she plots her course through life.  The Queen Bey isn't conquering this country in the same manner that her solo-named predecessor did, because, as was outlined by another now deceased B.A., all true badasses do it their own way.

Mike Huckabee doesn't like how Beyonce does Beyonce.  That would be all well and good if he kept his opinions to his aging circle of friends.  When you run on an anti-Beyonce platform, however, you're bound to learn that Beyonce owns any raised structure you can erect. Stage, platform, runway -- whatever.  You're in her wheelhouse.  And somehow the ease with which Huckabee criticizes others motivates me to point out that personally, I'm not a huge fan of how Mike Huckabee is doing Mike Huckabee.

What with him saying that, "I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk." And being against abortion even in cases of rape and incest.  Oh, I'm also not a huge fan of how Mike wants to stop stem cell research. On legalizing gay marriage?  He said it would, "be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?"

Now that you bring it up, Mikey, you can take your perceived moral high ground and lodge it right in their next to your head, up in your upper-ass area. The only tragedy here is how pathetic a challenger you are to Beyonce's supremacy.  In all honesty, Huckabee, my money is on Beyonce becoming president well before you get a shot at the office.  So why don't you cover up your pudgy Doughboy  of a body in a burka, reread that whole "Love thy neighbor as yourself" section of your precious Bible, and start showing some actual human compassion instead of spitting hate-laced flower pedals and calling it poo-pourii.

See Mike, it doesn't feel good to get told what to do by a complete stranger who is egotistical enough to believe they should have a say in how you live your life.

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