Pine Sap: The Oscars, the Grouches, and Yet Another Award Show

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 | 0 Comment(s)

The Oscars both happened and didn't really matter once again.  Even with the acceptance speeches being less roll call and more message-based, it is hard to deny that we are making a huge fuss about the wrong people. Something about how these stars pay lip service to inequality while reaping the benefits of the greatest inequity of our time: Money.

I have a novel idea, why don't they hold a new televised award show. I know, I know, even the joking idea of adding more of these makes me queasy.  And while this new proceeding will have all the glitz and star power of the Oscars, those famous faces will be there merely to see and be seen.  In other words, Hollywood's so-called elite will serve as the presenters and performers for the event -- as is appropriate.

The recipients of the awards, however, will go to deserving winners who have made accomplishments to better the nation this year.  How about "Greatest Contribution to Renewable Energy," "Best Performance in Eliminating Hunger Worldwide," or "The Making Impossible Possible Award."

Dare I say that I would love to applaud these winners.  Not to mention that the clips they would show of all the nominees' works would be a free public service announcement that humanity is still surging forward as the typhoon of global destruction and discord nips at our heals. Let's make one award show that matters, out of the 47, let's get just one of them right.

And then, there is this guy:

So much sadness

First, the camera people at the Oscars zoom in on crying actors faster than a FIFA cameraman on hot women.  Those tears are the rotting caracas to their well-positioned hyenas.  And it's obviously a huge asshole move to exploit these moments of honesty, despite the fact that it's natural to be fascinated by the expression of genuine emotions from actors who we're accustomed to watching fake em.  It seems this grown up version of Zack Morris, who shed a few tears for Selma and the power of the song Glory, made the internet go insane.  

I looked this guy up.  His name is Chris Pine, for any of you others out there like me who can't tell one genetic superhuman from the next.  I also IMDb'd him.

"That's where I know him from," I think to myself as I read that his major Hollywood role is as the young Captain Kirk in the past three Star Trek prequels.  Mr Pine was most likely at the Dolby Theater that night both because that is what young famous people do, and because he was part of the Into The Woods contingent.  He plays Cinderella's Prince in the movie. Of course he does. 

While you might expect me to be snarky about this picture, here's the thing, this picture is my thesis.  It is everything that is right, and it makes me hopeful for the future.  How do you like dem apples?

I'm not going to get cynical when it comes to lily-White guy getting emotional about the lack of basic human rights afforded Black citizens.  Is the implication that only minorities should be moved by civil rights?  Should women be the only voices against domestic violence and rape?  

Of course not.  This point has been emphasized by many recent social movements, including #HimForHer, which realize it is vitally important to have the support of the general population -- not just those demographics most directly affected by the each gross injustice.  So not only is it wonderful to watch a famous White man shed tears of sympathy, I want to see more of them. Give me balling Casper, tearful Shokupanman  and holy shit you guys, what if we convinced Donald Trump to care about other people. Yah, that Donald Trump, the ass-bag. What if we convinced the most selfish dipshit in the world that when a woman is assaulted, it weakens his empire by weakening our country. Imagine Trump internalizing that he can't "you're fired" his way out of the resurgent waves of racism like the Voting Rights Act.

Only then, when the worst of the worst understand that the loss of our diverse limbs destroys the body electric, will Chris Pine's tears be funny.

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