I Solve Everything: Giving Cosby the Full Santorum Treatment

Wednesday, April 29, 2015 | 0 Comment(s)

The ongoing Bill Cosby "debate," has been temporarily unseated by more pertinent current events, but nonetheless, I believe America is still searching for some kind of reconciliation between the 42 women who have come forward with terrifying stories of being drugged and raped, and Cosby's freedom. Hell, he's still performing on his comedy tour.  Forty two women.  He's telling jokes.

So, let's just assume that the criminal justice system is going to fail us.  May it be due to statutes of limitation or our legal system's history of acquitting famous people with the means to afford the best defense lawyers, the law is a far cry from justice these days (e.g. Michael Brown).

Let's also assume that Cosby is never going to come clean.  Oh, he's a rapist, but this isn't like Lance Armstrong's case where being caught makes the admission of guilt no big deal.  Cosby won't publicly talk about rape unless it is somehow court ordered and keeps him out of jail. Highly unlikely.

With the legal system handcuffed and Cosby lacking any shame (I mean what do you expect from a rapist) -- there needs to be a solution that allows the masses some closure to the cognitive dissonance between the 80's sitcom star continuing thrive off his decades-old fame and the fact that he is a serial rapist.  Forty two people.  Some multiple times.  Thankfully, I have found a solution.

If you recall not too too long ago there was a politician on the national stage who, prior to his hubris-fueled presidential run,  was arrogantly and offensively anti-gay.  His name is Rick Santorum. Here are some of his greatest hits:

  • “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.”  (2003)

  • “Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that’s what? Children. Monogamous relationships. In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality.” (2003)

  •  I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts. As I would with acts of other, what I would consider to be, acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships. And that includes a variety of different acts, not just homosexual. I have nothing, absolutely nothing against anyone who’s homosexual. If that’s their orientation, then I accept that. And I have no problem with someone who has other orientations. The question is, do you act upon those orientations? So it’s not the person, it’s the person’s actions. And you have to separate the person from their actions.” (2003)

As a response to this chocolate-covered hate speech, Dan Savage, author/writer/lgbtq activist/sex crusader, felt the gay community should be given a voice to respond Santorum's rejection of homosexuals as people of equal value.  And so, he held a contest to redefine what the word Santorum means.   And my oh my was he effective.  Frankly, I heard the widely-publicized winner's submission  before I ever even knew about the politician himself.  

With Cosby, we have a slightly different problem because his name is already part of the social consciousness.  We can't "define Cosby," because over the course of his televised life, he filled that void.  What we can do, and I am suggesting we should do, is make Bill Cosby synonymous with an idea other than his comedy.  

To me, what makes the most sense, is to make Bill Cosby synonymous with date rape drugs.  While "ruffies" is an easy shorthand for rohypnol, which has been used as the catch-all term for date rape drugs in the past, there are now a wide variety of other chemicals out there that are used for the same sinister purpose.  I say we call them all "Cosby's." And if you are unfortunate enough to hear of someone who was date raped in this manner in the future, the term should be "Cosby'd," as in "I thought Brad really liked me until he Cosby'd me during beer pong and I only remember waking up in his bedroom after that." Everyone will know what it means because Cosby drugged women to rape them.  Let him forever be known for those actions; Actions that define him as a man much more than any number of successful sitcom episodes. 

Here's the beauty of this idea. Cosby's name is always going to live on. I mean, he named his show after himself. But this way his name lives on as a cautionary tale bemoaning the ubiquity of rape in this country. Cosby may not understand shame, but before he dies I would love him to know that the legacy he will forever be associated with, long after he's remembered for it, is date rape.  In a few hundred years ago, The Cosby Show will have less importance than Dragnet has today. But a pill in your drink will still be a Cosby waiting to happen.

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