This is not a food blog

Tuesday, February 8, 2011 | 2 Comment(s)

So, some of my friends have food blogs.  Food blogs are great.  They are helpful, they compile knowledge, and they usually give much better directions than cookbooks on how to actually make the food they feature.

This is not a food blog.  And today i will show you why.

Two nights ago i made a delicious steak for myself.  Mmf got plenty of tastes, and she will confirm that this steak was legit.   Here are instructions so that you can make your own special steak of your own.

What you'll need:  Access to Trader Joes.  Traders Joe's General Tso's Sause.  Soy sauce.  Soy margazine.  Salt.  A big medium thick steak (also trader Joes)

Directions.  About an hour before, pop the plastic on the steak package and comment on how the smell is akin to how you imagine a dead body smells like.  Cover both sides with a mixture of Tso's sauce and Soy sauce.  Leave for an hour.  Enjoy some quality tv like "How I Met Your Mother" or "Office" reruns. 

Heat the pan to "frenzy" hot.  That means as hot as the stove-top gets.  I happen to have a Le Creuset frypan/ovenpan because my mother happens to still have her wedding gifts to hand down to her sons, but i assume that any ol frying pan will do. 

Drop it in and watch it sizzle.  Smell it.  Yum.  Wait.  Wonder how long you should wait til you flip it.  Wonder some more.  Worry a little.  3 minutes later, flip it in a minor panic.  Realize you didn't wait long enough.  Realize that its too late now.  Enjoy the 2nd sizzle.  You gotta wait longer this time.  You gotta.  5 minutes.  At least.  But 5 minutes is soooooo long in waitingnexttothestove time.  Worry about the smoke.  Are you ruining your mom's amazing wedding cookery?  You're a failure, you can't even cook a steak.  4 minutes . . . . panic.  Put a medium sized ice cream scoop of soy margarine into the pan.   Sizzle #3 -- enjoyment is a go.  as the soy marg melts start spooning it over the top of the steak.  2nd flip, try to get that original sear back.  Realize it's not going to happen.  Spoon the fake butter.  Fuck mom's pan, let's burn this sucker a little.  final flip.  Spoon spoon spoon.  Transfer to plate.  Try not to let mmf see you pour some of the melted butter sauce on top of the steak.  Cook peppers in the frying pan so as not to waste all that leftover butter.  Pray this isn't a disaster.

And there you have it.  A perfectly cooked steak that melts in your mouth.  What can i say folks; Rinse and repeat.  But, here at To Be Read and Reread, we like to give our faithful readers a take home message.  So here goes.

When it comes to cooking, butter is everything.  And if you're lactose intolerant, soy margarine is just as good. 

bon appetit! 


  1. i think gouda should get nervous

  2. I enjoy it more when you blog about your bodily functions. Perhaps that's just me though.