Horrible Husbandry

Monday, February 11, 2013 | 1 Comment(s)

Last night I watched the Grammy's.  Armed only with scotch and a my cell phone, I started live tweeting like a middle schooler.  Some samples:

"started drinking when LL lips hz lppps. #drunkduringgrammys"

"thatscarlyraejetson!!!" #drunkduringgrammys

"stop all drinking games. this shit just got real."  #bobmarleytime

"Not sure Marley was a cocaine man?" #brunomarsbigband

ps.  my twitter is now open for everyone: @mattitiyahu

Not too long after the Bob Marley tribute, I started switching channels and began research into the new impending ice storm set to hit our blanketed region.   And, since any TV news cycle that isn't 24-7 is un-American, there were multiple blue framed cancellation screens to divert my attention towards.

Again. I have to reiterate that this was post-scotchville and just after most of the remaining Marley family sang a great tribute piece (minus Bruno as seen above), which really got me in my most Rasta of moods.

***Winter Storm Warning***
This was already a good sign.  Having my wife home for 4 guilt-free days of getting whatever she needs to get done done, makes her an unbelievably wonderful person to be around.  It's kinda of like parenting when your kids are away at summer camp.  You just feel ahead of the curve for a minute or two, and it can make all the difference for your week ahead.

You can imagine the glee that rose in my belly as a saw how extended the cancellations were already.  Holyoke, MA -- closed.  Springfield, MA -- closed.   And as we winded and whittled our way to the "W's", I could feel that nervous excitement in my belly that remains a vestigial organ of my childhood exuberance.  Remember, I don't have school tomorrow either way.

And then.   Those magic words.  All Westfield Schools are closed February, 11, 2013 due to ice and snowy conditions.  Pop goes the magic bubble now rising to the base of my esophagus.  I am giddy.  Freaking giddy.  I'm hopping around downstairs, now reaching for my computer to double-check the news.  Yup.  There it is again.  Westfield school are totally closed.

I bound, BOUND, up the stairs to the bedroom where my wife has been asleep for two hours already.  I, carefully but energetically, nuzzle up to her and exclaim, "NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!".  I am now straddling her, tiny kisses headed toward her neck and ears as my whisper grows louder and louder.  I relay the joyous news, "All Westfield Schools are closed!?!" 

She responds with furrowed brow and only one eye peeking open, "You mean Westhampton right? Not Westfield?  My school shows up as 'Hampshire Schools' on the TV ticker."

Oh friggin no.   That rising ball of excitement is now in an amusement-park like free fall heading straight down in the direction of pooping my pants.   This is what a complete emotional turnaround feels like.   Giddy is immediately and completely morphed into shame.  I just woke my loving wife out of her much needed REM sleep in order to lie to her about not having to work tomorrow.

As I rush back down to now triple check my work, I already know that my chances of pulling up from this wreckage of a situation I created are slim.   I know I saw Westfield and not Westhampton. I'm just hoping at this point that the Hampshire School district has coincidentally also cancelled school early.  Somberly I realize only now that I should additionally look outside my own window.  Currently, there is zero precipitation.

As I march carefully and decidedly more slowly back up the stairs to my now groggily confused half-asleep wife, all i can say over and over is, "I'm so so sorry."  Two "so's" every time.  It is the feeling of being unavoidably and unmistakably 100% wrong.  So. Much. Shame.

Wifey was extremely understanding.  I mean, she did see how ecstatic i had been to give her the no-school news.  I think she realized how much fun she was going to get to have at my expense come morning that she didn't feel the need for additional humiliation at bedtime numero dos.  Or perhaps, because she is a decent human being, her drive towards sleep was more powerful than her need to laugh at me.  That's love.

I was not 100% wrong.

Yes, at the time, I was.  If you don't think I fully understand the depth of my initial mistake, I would recommend you rereading the previous paragraphs.  But, come morning, there was wifey, as snug and as the curled up as the two pups which were also still slumbering in our bed.

It was now my turn to groggily wonder what was up.  "No school today," says wifey, "they cancelled it cause it's gross out."

"I was right!," I replied in that singsongy of morning voices that most resembles a kitten meowing and can't be mistaken for carrying even a trace of enmity or "i told you so".

"You were right," the greatest wife in the world graciously responded, "You just knew five hours before the superintendent."

So yah, I'm pretty much a superhero.

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