Sriracha is the New Black

Wednesday, February 13, 2013 | 0 Comment(s)

I have never reviewed a product on this blog before, but never has there been a product so worthy of review as the one I set before you this day.  From the absolute genius that is (as part of a  collaboration between The Oatmeal and Bacon Salt.)  Behold:

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"  *…cue white light*
That is right folks.   Sriracha lip balm exists in this world of ours.  Get yours.

Before we move to the discussion portion, I feel it necessary to get a few minor fact-based disclaimers  out of the way:

1) I have received no moneys (sic) or product for this review. 

2) I have not yet tried the product I am about to review.

3) There are a load of necessary balm puns that just need to be made before any even semi-serious discussion can be had on this topic, and for this exact reason I have enlisted the services of my friend Nick.  A hot sauce connoisseur, my college roommate, and an economics bigwig …to wit . . .

It's the balm! 
 Suicide balm-er?
How I learned to stop worrying and love the balm?
"I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out in a war fought with the [balm]. Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed." - Albert Einstein

[Lip balm] [Lip balm] you're my [Lip balm] / And baby you can turn me on." - Tom Jones

The biggest contribution Nick made to this article, however, is this quote, "Sriracha is the new bacon."
This is totally true.  It is additionally additively true in that, Sriracha on bacon is the 'tastegasm of the moment.'

I completely realize that reviewing a product that I have yet to physically grasp, let alone try, is journalistically irresponsible and a bit laughable.  But I am no journalist, and I am extremely laughable, so I'm going to do it anyway.

What's most important here is the idea.  I have faith that chemists have the ability to replicate a taste such as Sriracha.  And while I myself am not a big hot sauce fan, Sriracha has such a uniquely exquisite  depth of flavor that I can completely understand wanting to take that tingling sensation home with you.  

Admittedly, the idea of mixing Sriracha with sunscreen and moisturizer is significantly nauseating.  Thankfully, you don't rub the idea of those ingredients together on your lips, you just rub that tang-tastic hot-saucey taste on your tongue toppers.  The moisturizer and UV protection are thrown in for free.

I mean, the one woman in my, albeit fictional, world named Hot Lips was certainly a positive influence in my early years.  And Hot Sauce is the handle of a particularly amazing street baller.  I just don't see how hot sauce lip balm could be anything but fantastic . . . and yet . . . these are some of the comments:

"This seems counter-intuitive... I typically use lip balm to soothe burning lips, not make them worse :P"
(Dear Commenter.  No one uses that smiley face.  It is the West Virginia of smiley faces . . . we haven't gotten rid of it, but we aren't particularly proud it's still there either. )
"don't even want to imagine how painful that would be…."

"Wow... not sure I'm brave enough to try this one…"

These people just don't seem to get it.  It's not for you!!!  If, when seeing the picture of the lip balm at the top of this page, every lobe in your brain didn't go all seartonin six-gunner -- firing off every neuron in synaptic sight -- then they didn't intend this product for your use.  Also, do you really think they made the lip balm so strongly spicy as to be physically unable to stand?  I grant you that this would be one of those moments when having tried the product would be particularly useful.  But it would be difficult to convince me that people intelligent enough to come up with this idea aren't capable of pulling it off competently.  And if you need further convincing, well, they sell a Tauntaun sleeping bag, so yah . . . case closed.

I want you so badly for so few good reasons.
So put away your pessimist Parmesan and pass the friggin Srarchabalm.  It's the balm-diggity. 

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