You heard it here first friends. The future. As always. It's coming.
It all started a about 20 years ago when Elizabet (hippie parents) Izensmith went to get her ears pierced at that Somerville, MA tattoo/piercing parlor. The usual conversation persisted:
Eliz: "Which part of my ear should i get?"
Best Friend At That Time: "OMG yo, I totes have no idea."
Eliz: "I think i want the bar across the top. Even though its two holes."
BFATT: "Two holes!!!!"
Eliz: "Gross BFATT, i don't think we're going to be friends much longer. How about piercing the little tab of cartilage on the inside."
BFATT: "ew, you mean the piece of skin that your ear-buds fit behind?"
Eliz: "Yah"
BFATT: "gross."
Eliz: "But that little flap of skin has absolutely no purpose and yet takes up prime ear real estate . . . "
*lightbulb goes on*
Turns out Elizabet was a computer nerd as a kid that grew up to be a neurosurgeon. But this trip to get her ear's pierced (she got the bar) stayed with her.
As her surgery skills bloomed, so did the microprocessing software being used in cellphones. The most recent innovation (which came 3 years after the mechanism itself was shrunk down to the size of a watch battery) allowing for Elizabet's breakthrough work came when engineers discovered that when coated and cored with a new alloy, the microprocessor inside the minuscule chip no longer emitted heat or radiation externally.
This was what Elizabet needed to go ahead and implant the first stereo telephone inside the head of her first test subject (heavily funded by Verizon). The procedure was incredibly un-invasive (for surgery), due largely to the fact that the majority of the procedure was located in that small tab of skin, prime ear real estate, adjacent the ear canal. With the mechanism already so svelte, the trickier part was connecting the ear neurons to the sound input from the device. The bio-mechanical heavy lifting of creating synergy between human neurons and mechanical neurons had been the centerpiece of Elizabet's recent Science magazine cover. This technology was in place a solid year before the coolant had even been created.
The trickiest part end up been the microphone. After having a device implanted in your ear(s) (we'll get there), customers understandably didn't feel like wearing a separate clip-on mic. Turns out, marketing solved this particular problem.
With a surgery that resembles more of a delicate piercing than a cut and sew job, a tiny tiny (staple-thin) indestructible bluetooth microphone is inserted in the front left of the throat (for guys, it was adams-apple adjacent). To keep the device correctly in place the "top" screws on from the outside (see labret-piercing for a blue-print). And whenever you have the option for jewelry that can stand as both a status symbol (of your ability to get a phone implanted inside you) and a facial accessory, that is what marketing professionals call "synergy," and it gives them millions of tiny orgasms all over their brains and bank accounts.
With Tiffany's now co-funding the research, things began falling into place faster and faster. There were already Tiffany's brand Verizon "voice changer" accessories to add onto the screw-on microphone holders--which uncoincidentally all looked like tiny miniature sterling silver hearts. But, press that heart, and you can talk on your phone as a man, woman, Australian, French-person, etc. Just the accents of course, translation programs didn't start popping up for another few years.
Elizabet had always believed that the device should be put in both ears. It gave you the ability to listen to your conversation in stereo, for one, but it also gave a much grander experience when streaming your music to the blue tooth receivers in your ear. It also, at first, is what allowed for conference calling. While future models (all-stereo anyway at that point) would make it possible for single ear conferencing, early on, you had to press your ear tab to hold, press the other to answer the incoming call, then press the first ear tab once again to conference. Sounds clunkier than it actually was, and it also kinda made you look like a secret service agent, which customers reported making them feel badass. There were early versions of the one-earred procedure, but often they were considered shady, especially after a few years when the difference in price was nominal compared to the grand total.
And so, with the approval from both the FDA and the American Medical Council, the Verizon/Motorola IEDX1 became the first phone/medical procedure sold in concert in America. With prototypes being strategically beta-tested in large densely populated markets, the demand rose at iPad like levels. Billboards everywhere sprouted different versions of "Do you REALLY want to experience hands free?"
And everybody did.*
*none of this is true.
The Future of Cell Phones is Now!
Thursday, August 30, 2012 | 0 Comment(s)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012 | 2 Comment(s)
it has been. awhile. and i do feel badly about it. i mean, im neurotic, i can feel guilt toward a loaf of bread left to mold in the back of my fridge--so yah, i feel badly about neglecting for a month my 85 followers (i cherish you) and any other lovely readers who are still too shy or too undecided about my particular brand of humor to "put a follow on it"-- it weighs on me.
but if i look at the sum total of my summer:
- got married
- mini-mooned
- officiated a wedding
- started bartending again
- celebrated my dad's birthday with the family
- saw the out-laws on the coast
it's hard not to forgive myself. i urge you to follow in kind. enough of this babble--on to the babbling!
After such an absence, it's difficult to know how to jump back in. i'm pretty sure this is one origin of writer's block. Perhaps i can claim i have had writer's block the past month and thereby define myself as a writer. ACK. Gotta get out of my head. let's steal a page from jimmy fallon's playbook, and slowjam the mother f'n news ya'll. The news these days could use a jamming or two.
'Project Runway's' real-size model: Show was 'adult bullying at its best'
Now first let me give props to the headline person who punctuated this. As you all know i don't much care for the capitalization and punctuation rules, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate a copyeditor who does. Props.
I have seen a number of seasons of Project Runway. I should start there. I have not, thankfully, been watching this years version. But after reading this headline, wifey pulled up the episode on the ol ON DEMAND and we gave it a watch. It was as bad as the article says it was. You got to watch as a woman who had been selected by HEIDI friggin KLUM for a makeover and was psyched out of her mind for her tiny slice of 15 minutes of fame get torn down as a human being in a manner so insensitive as to draw the horrified stares of every human in earshot. Forgive the pscyhologist in me, but as all those people looked on, i couldn't help but think of the "bystander effect" and how one of those people speaking out could have made all the difference in the moment (apparently one of the designers did reach out to Terri-which was nice to hear.)
In the moment, my wife and I disagreed on what the "worst thing" was ( as in "do you know what the WORST PART is . . .". She believes the fact that the designer is a "big boy" makes it "the worst". I think that fact that the woman is not, in fact, that heavy is "the worst".
But, thinking about it more--i believe we were both wrong. The worst part of all this bullying is always the most insidious. The worst part of the show was watching the judges critique the "real women" who loved their outfits but had the unfortunate luck of having their designers be on the bottom. The goal of the task was to transform these women into something else entirely -- the person they wanted to be. And these two women, feeling new and fresh and special and like models-for-a-day had to stand there as HEIDI friggin KLUM called their outfits slutty and "hooch-mama-esc". (there were at least two hooker insinuations.) If you watch the women's faces, as these critiques are happening, you see the
same joy draining from them as you did with Terri and Ven Budhu's horrific low self esteem driven hideousness. Of course, the fact that they didn't send him home, was certainly salt in the wound as well.
Let's get worse before we get better people: Let's move on to shit dumb male politicians say about rape.
First, it pains me greatly that this has become a "category". that there are more than one iderations of this shit feels very 1950's . . . maybe 1920's.
We got this dipshit.
* Rep. Todd Akin: The Statement and the Reaction
but if i look at the sum total of my summer:
- got married
- mini-mooned
- officiated a wedding
- started bartending again
- celebrated my dad's birthday with the family
- saw the out-laws on the coast
it's hard not to forgive myself. i urge you to follow in kind. enough of this babble--on to the babbling!
After such an absence, it's difficult to know how to jump back in. i'm pretty sure this is one origin of writer's block. Perhaps i can claim i have had writer's block the past month and thereby define myself as a writer. ACK. Gotta get out of my head. let's steal a page from jimmy fallon's playbook, and slowjam the mother f'n news ya'll. The news these days could use a jamming or two.
'Project Runway's' real-size model: Show was 'adult bullying at its best'
Now first let me give props to the headline person who punctuated this. As you all know i don't much care for the capitalization and punctuation rules, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate a copyeditor who does. Props.
I have seen a number of seasons of Project Runway. I should start there. I have not, thankfully, been watching this years version. But after reading this headline, wifey pulled up the episode on the ol ON DEMAND and we gave it a watch. It was as bad as the article says it was. You got to watch as a woman who had been selected by HEIDI friggin KLUM for a makeover and was psyched out of her mind for her tiny slice of 15 minutes of fame get torn down as a human being in a manner so insensitive as to draw the horrified stares of every human in earshot. Forgive the pscyhologist in me, but as all those people looked on, i couldn't help but think of the "bystander effect" and how one of those people speaking out could have made all the difference in the moment (apparently one of the designers did reach out to Terri-which was nice to hear.)
In the moment, my wife and I disagreed on what the "worst thing" was ( as in "do you know what the WORST PART is . . .". She believes the fact that the designer is a "big boy" makes it "the worst". I think that fact that the woman is not, in fact, that heavy is "the worst".
But, thinking about it more--i believe we were both wrong. The worst part of all this bullying is always the most insidious. The worst part of the show was watching the judges critique the "real women" who loved their outfits but had the unfortunate luck of having their designers be on the bottom. The goal of the task was to transform these women into something else entirely -- the person they wanted to be. And these two women, feeling new and fresh and special and like models-for-a-day had to stand there as HEIDI friggin KLUM called their outfits slutty and "hooch-mama-esc". (there were at least two hooker insinuations.) If you watch the women's faces, as these critiques are happening, you see the
same joy draining from them as you did with Terri and Ven Budhu's horrific low self esteem driven hideousness. Of course, the fact that they didn't send him home, was certainly salt in the wound as well.
Let's get worse before we get better people: Let's move on to shit dumb male politicians say about rape.
First, it pains me greatly that this has become a "category". that there are more than one iderations of this shit feels very 1950's . . . maybe 1920's.
We got this dipshit.
* Rep. Todd Akin: The Statement and the Reaction
and if i may take a second on this one. The dumbass rep. Akin is not COMPLETELY wrong on this one. He just messed up his species. See female ducks get raped all the time. They call it "reproduction" -- but often, in the duck world, it is "forced reproduction." And, as evolution isn't sexist, turns out that female ducks can actually get the male ducks to "shoot down the wrong passageway" when they are being raped, to prevent reproduction. Fact check me bitches. This shit is true. But, alas, no such rape vagina has been discovered in female humans, so . . . yah . . . akin's is a dipshit.
Then that dipshit AGAIN being even dipshittier!
* Self-styled rape expert Todd Akin, a GOP Senate candidate, now says breastmilk can cure homosexuality
*edit*8/29/12*this article originated in a satire column and then got picked up by the news. Classic. Never too old to play the fool* but ill leave the mockery anyway*
This one is infuriating on just so many levels. The first is that we still have elected officials who think homosexuality NEEDS a cure. That alone makes me want to give him a good fisting. But this is made all the worse by the fact that he is just so plain stupid as to believe that in the event that homosexuality needed a cure, that we actually have one. I mean breast milk? that's not even a good guess. He should have at least come up with something clever like playing broadway musicals backwards or eating only tuna and canned ham for a year straight. But alas, he gave us breast milk, and thus became the mother of all dipshits (AMAZING PUN!).
* Self-styled rape expert Todd Akin, a GOP Senate candidate, now says breastmilk can cure homosexuality
*edit*8/29/12*this article originated in a satire column and then got picked up by the news. Classic. Never too old to play the fool* but ill leave the mockery anyway*
This one is infuriating on just so many levels. The first is that we still have elected officials who think homosexuality NEEDS a cure. That alone makes me want to give him a good fisting. But this is made all the worse by the fact that he is just so plain stupid as to believe that in the event that homosexuality needed a cure, that we actually have one. I mean breast milk? that's not even a good guess. He should have at least come up with something clever like playing broadway musicals backwards or eating only tuna and canned ham for a year straight. But alas, he gave us breast milk, and thus became the mother of all dipshits (AMAZING PUN!).
More recently we had this gem of a turn of phrase which seeked to further reduce and destigmatize that dirty little thing called rape.
* Paul Ryan Said Something That Should Force Him Off the Ticket, But You Probably Didn't Hear About It
The summary here is that Paul Ryan (R. VP nominee), in presenting his personal views about abortion (and specifically the question was in incidence of rape) responded that no matter the "Method of Conception"-- life is life.
the obvious problem here is that rape is not a method. rape is a violation. a stripping of control of your own body. it is foul and scarring and extremely common!!! in the worst possible way. There is no method. Rapists do not rape for progeny. Women never get raped to get pregnant.
And now to some lighter headlines . . .
* Recently SF Giants baseball standout Melky Cabrera was suspended for 50 games for violating the leagues drug policy. This story didn't have much pizzaz at first. The "Melk-man" was having a breakout season, won MVP of the All-Star game, and then was found to be cheating. Taadaa and busted. And at first, the reports were that he had admitted to cheating and that was that.
But thankfully, for us, it got crazy. Melky and/or his associate then proceeded to buy a website (in south america that sells some substance that Melky was going to claim to have taken "by accident," the result of which was his high testosterone levels and positive steroid test. Yup. the ol' "fake website for a fake product which tricked me" defense. Didn't seem like it took MLB investigators too too long to sniff this one out. I mean, from the minds who brought you "this plan," you can only imagine that their execution of said plan was equally impeccable. I can just see Melky, all dumbass and sitting in a room by himself, a unlit cigar lying next to him, and him wondering, "when am i going to get to say . . . i love it when a plan comes together!" Not gonna happen melky. not gonna happen.
* Here Are The Bic Pens For Women That Everyone Is Laughing At
This one is more of a public service announcement. You gotta see this. I could sit here and go on and on about the stupidity and sexism innate to the creation and marketing of this product. But, thankfully for us both (this post is getting long . . . . overcompensating much?) plenty of brilliant women and men have already taken to the comments section of Amazon to thoroughly ridicule Bic. Enjoy!
This one is more of a public service announcement. You gotta see this. I could sit here and go on and on about the stupidity and sexism innate to the creation and marketing of this product. But, thankfully for us both (this post is getting long . . . . overcompensating much?) plenty of brilliant women and men have already taken to the comments section of Amazon to thoroughly ridicule Bic. Enjoy!
And now. As always, for your mental sherbet, are cute doggie pics.
 |
| the "over-under" |
 |
| heart-shaped love |
 |
| the "bridge-over-troubled-puppy" |
 |
| "head-to-head" |
 |
| "mom, look, look mom. I'm upside down." |
 |
| dad, i think i can pull these off! |
 |
| the "classic" |
 |
| big ol frog dog |
 |
| the "96" |
 |
| "bridge-over-troubled-puppy" II |
 |
| "over-under" II |
and last but CERTAINLY not least. This is what happens when a pitbull meets a frenchman.
Friday, July 20, 2012 | 3 Comment(s)
Back in college i had the coolest friggin bedspread of all
time. It was this retro style 70's
comforter that featured the entire range of safari and zoo animals. It was multi-colored, but faded in that
way that gave it the look and feel of a shag rug. Actually, i don't think it was a retro comforter, i think it
was more a comforter made in the 70's.
If a Brooklyn hipster were to see this comforter in a thrift store, I
believe they would have the same insane impulse that kids on the street felt
for Air Jordan's back in the 80's.
aka. they'd cut you for it
(hipsters would probably only cut you in line, of course, since they are
by-and-large humungous pussies).
This comforter has been in our family for years. I think it was probably one of my
parent's comforters as a kid. I'm
almost positive that my brother had it on his childhood bed at some point. It was that awesome. I mean, who doesn't want to sleep in a
multi-colored menagerie of animal love?
the answer to that question, of course, is "most female
humans."
Thankfully, i went to Wesleyan University, back when it was
full of hippies instead of hipsters.
(the fact that i just wrote a sentence that includes me in college and
the words "back when", does
make me want to stab myself in the leg, chest, and neck; but i digress.) I mention this about the hippies (ahem,
us hippies), because in a most preppy or rigid college environments -- lets say
UVA or BYU -- i firmly believe having this bedspread would have saved me the
walk to health services to get condoms.
This comforter was bright, loud, and animal-filled enough that any girl
who wakes up thinking about what her "outfit" is going to be that day
would never take said outfit off in
the general proximity of my bed.
But hippie girls are special. And i mean that.
The wonderful women i encountered in college saw the comfort, company,
and craziness of those magical two-dimensional animals and hopped right in to
join in the Seuss-like adventure (aka. making out and dry humping.) Thank goodness. I really didn't want to graduate
college a virgin.
Here's the thing.
The day I did graduate college, I drove myself (and said comforter)
directly to my awaiting apartment in Downtown Brooklyn (not Park Slope, not
Williamsburg, more Fulton Mall -- we lived above a T-mobile kiosk/store). And, as i adjusted to my new digs (um.
NYC, June, 2001 -- yes, more readjusting was soon to follow), I threw my furry
friends back on my bed, and readied myself for the flow of sophisticated and
modern New York women that I was sure were heading to our apartment as I was
still trying to find the perfect for the Pikachu pillow my best friend had
given me (even i knew it had to go under the bed).
There were a few problems with my plan. One, I mostly met Harvard girls my first
few months in the city (2 of my roommates had gone there). Once you've spent 5 or 6 years with the
pot-smoking, adventure hiking, crude joke making, perfect women of Wesleyan,
adjusting to the Harvard social scene is a bit of a stretch. They weren't bitches, mind you (well,
not all of them), they were largely unbelievably well mannered. My humor, however, just didn't play. I would tell a poop joke, and they
would still be waiting for the punch-line through the deafening silence. Awkward.
The second problem is that after about 6 months in the city
(got a bartendering job, WTC buildings fell, lost said job, took a road trip,
got a new job at a substance abuse center doing psyc research), I finally was
there to see a woman's reaction to my amazing comforter.
The look was a combination of laughter and terror. If i were to guess, I would say her
mind said something along these lines:
"Holy shit is that his
comforter . . . ahhh, look at all those animals . . . is this guy 14? . . . .
wait . . . is this guy some kinda weird pedophile crazy person who is going to
want me to play mommy/baby sex games or something . . . . is he gonna eat me? .
. . he's a funny guy and all . . . but . . . i am NOT getting naked near that
thing."
Funny thing.
When i turned from her expression of semi-horror, back to my bedspread,
i saw it too. Twenty-three is too
old for a cartoon bedcovering (if you are planning to be sexually active . . .
. ever).
My first purchase with my first paycheck from my first
"real job" (as i considered it back then) was made at a NYC Bed,
Bath, & Beyond Megastore. I
got the most grown-upy thing i could actually see myself sleeping under (IT HAD
TASSLES!!!). Secretly, while i
understood that this change needed to
be made, I still thought (think) that the animal comforter was the crème de la
crème of my sleepy-time snuggles. At the time, I probably thought this concession is what it meant to be
an adult.
I'm happy to say that I slept under that comforter for the
next decade or so. The tassels
eventually ripped off and were replaced by the open-socket joints of fabric
calling out to there lost fringe.
The soft white underside became a more splotchy beige-colored minefield
of grime that even dry-cleaning couldn't restore to neutral. My wife made me get rid of it a few
years ago after declaring it unfit for humans. I did as she said.
And that, is closer to what it
means to be an adult.
Sunday, July 15, 2012 | 0 Comment(s)
Now I'm sure there are people out there . . . good solid wholesome people . . . who started a blog because they just need to write, and not because of some level of narcissism.
Nope. I change my mind. If you need to write, you can write in your room, on your room, in a book, with a cook, in a nook . . . i think you get me. To blog, means to open this writing up to "the outside world." That means feedback. it also means you love yourself a little. im sorry. it does.
i love myself more than a little. admittedly. i love you all more than a little too, so, that makes me slightly less annoying.
All this is to say that googling myself this afternoon (first name only . . . . like Madonna), was not entirely, or even partially, out of character. I discovered 2 incredible things that id like to share with you today.
#1. I am the most important, influential, popular, and best Mattitiyahu on the entire earth!
This is big big news. If you google my first name, THIS BLOG pops up #1 (and #2!). Not only that but the #4 entry is my twitter handle and #10 is something i wrote about my name on a tumblr feed (i honestly don't know if that last sentence makes sense as I still don't completely understand the scope and limitations of Tumblr). Most of the other entries are about jewish shit. I dominate the top 10. dominate. If google doesn't define one's importance and self worth, what does?
I am the one Mattitiyahu to rule them all. Until, of course, I catch on with the "mainstream," and then they'll be a 'Mattitiyahu-boom' generation. and, with such a fantastic name on their side, one of those Mattitiyahu's are bound to eventually pass me in the google ranks. But that is generations from now. This looks to be a long reign.
Editors Note: If this happens to be your first time reading the blog, don't fret. I'm not this gigantic of an ass-hat all the time. Just on special occasions such as today. Read on, it gets better.
#2: On Page 2 of googles search results for "mattitiyahu" you see a collection of words put together in a way you'd never imagine they ever would be:
Mattitiyahu Zimbler | Woman and Ladies Corner
So, yah. I was pretty intrigued myself, as you can imagine. Nobody puts mattitiyahu in the ladies corner! Or, more realistically, i was wondering which piece of my research this website was drawing from. The article seems like its written by a high functioning google translate robot. This would be semi-acceptable if there lack of literacy didn't turn my "quotes" into the ramblings of an insane meth addict. to wit.
According to research conducted by Mattitiyahu Zimbler, senior researcher from the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, we tend to lie to a stranger, when introduced via e-mail or instant messaging, compared to now meet in person. “It’s bizarre that people can lie. But, surprisingly, turns out people tend to lie more time online,” said Zimbler.
Problems in this paragraph alone:
1. i am not THE senior researcher at UMASS, i am A senior research. though i have no idea what that means either.
2. none of this is english. if i try to add the words to make it english, the words only reflect a shadow of the findings. (which in this case were, briefly, that when we are meeting a new person we tend to lie the most over email, then IM, then in person.)
3. I did not say any version of that quote. I know this because it ISN'T bizarre that we lie. We lie almost constantly. It's not even always a bad thing. And even if you think i'm wrong about this (which im not ;)), it is how I feel, and thus I wouldn't have said something else to the press.
4. I do not talk like a caricature of a dumb person in a movie about the wild west. "People tend to lie more time online" "then somes of people like to make poopie poop by waterfall." Don't misquote me and certainly don't dumb me down with your of effort and overall laziness in not proofreading (or more likely even copy and pasting).
Let's continue. Next paragraph/sentence:
And, according to a study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, the more a person is communicating with the same person, the more lies.
No fucking shit Einstein. Wow. you're saying the more opportunities we have to lie, the more we lie! How come this breakthrough is only being reported in this online mag.? Shouldn't this be on the new york times . . . . no. its friggin obvious. and this non-point has almost no connection to the study they are citing it coming from. Yet, in this article, it's its own stand alone paragraph. My final quote:
“The longer form of the message, the more is also a lie. Therefore, among the various media used to communicate online, e-mail is the best form of lie. Compared to speak directly when you meet, when writing e-mails you may feel more free to lie about your feelings, “said Zimbler again.
Best case scenario you all view the lines above as a sort of 'word jumble' that you have to unscramble to unlock the hidden meaning.
The article continues on and give colleague Dana Carney the same lack of editorial facial treatment. I don't know Dr. Carney that well, but i do know that she is a woman. I point this out only bbecause the article seems to think otherwise saying that “'Meanwhile, the farther we are with it, the easier we make decisions in a rational way and cool,' he added. "
Not good work lady ashot. Not good work at all.
So website http://ladyashot.com/ I'm calling you out. I would have written on your comments section, but they were "closed". And your site doesn't even seem to have an about us or info page. Who are you lady a-shot? And did i tease you when we were kids?
ps. if ladyashot turns out to be some grass roots aid organization in some foreign country in desperate need that is exploring how to use the web et al., I automatically rescind and retract my criticism and apologize for being an ass twice in one post.
Nope. I change my mind. If you need to write, you can write in your room, on your room, in a book, with a cook, in a nook . . . i think you get me. To blog, means to open this writing up to "the outside world." That means feedback. it also means you love yourself a little. im sorry. it does.
i love myself more than a little. admittedly. i love you all more than a little too, so, that makes me slightly less annoying.
All this is to say that googling myself this afternoon (first name only . . . . like Madonna), was not entirely, or even partially, out of character. I discovered 2 incredible things that id like to share with you today.
#1. I am the most important, influential, popular, and best Mattitiyahu on the entire earth!
This is big big news. If you google my first name, THIS BLOG pops up #1 (and #2!). Not only that but the #4 entry is my twitter handle and #10 is something i wrote about my name on a tumblr feed (i honestly don't know if that last sentence makes sense as I still don't completely understand the scope and limitations of Tumblr). Most of the other entries are about jewish shit. I dominate the top 10. dominate. If google doesn't define one's importance and self worth, what does?
I am the one Mattitiyahu to rule them all. Until, of course, I catch on with the "mainstream," and then they'll be a 'Mattitiyahu-boom' generation. and, with such a fantastic name on their side, one of those Mattitiyahu's are bound to eventually pass me in the google ranks. But that is generations from now. This looks to be a long reign.
Editors Note: If this happens to be your first time reading the blog, don't fret. I'm not this gigantic of an ass-hat all the time. Just on special occasions such as today. Read on, it gets better.
#2: On Page 2 of googles search results for "mattitiyahu" you see a collection of words put together in a way you'd never imagine they ever would be:
Mattitiyahu Zimbler | Woman and Ladies Corner
So, yah. I was pretty intrigued myself, as you can imagine. Nobody puts mattitiyahu in the ladies corner! Or, more realistically, i was wondering which piece of my research this website was drawing from. The article seems like its written by a high functioning google translate robot. This would be semi-acceptable if there lack of literacy didn't turn my "quotes" into the ramblings of an insane meth addict. to wit.
According to research conducted by Mattitiyahu Zimbler, senior researcher from the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, we tend to lie to a stranger, when introduced via e-mail or instant messaging, compared to now meet in person. “It’s bizarre that people can lie. But, surprisingly, turns out people tend to lie more time online,” said Zimbler.
Problems in this paragraph alone:
1. i am not THE senior researcher at UMASS, i am A senior research. though i have no idea what that means either.
2. none of this is english. if i try to add the words to make it english, the words only reflect a shadow of the findings. (which in this case were, briefly, that when we are meeting a new person we tend to lie the most over email, then IM, then in person.)
3. I did not say any version of that quote. I know this because it ISN'T bizarre that we lie. We lie almost constantly. It's not even always a bad thing. And even if you think i'm wrong about this (which im not ;)), it is how I feel, and thus I wouldn't have said something else to the press.
4. I do not talk like a caricature of a dumb person in a movie about the wild west. "People tend to lie more time online" "then somes of people like to make poopie poop by waterfall." Don't misquote me and certainly don't dumb me down with your of effort and overall laziness in not proofreading (or more likely even copy and pasting).
Let's continue. Next paragraph/sentence:
And, according to a study published in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, the more a person is communicating with the same person, the more lies.
No fucking shit Einstein. Wow. you're saying the more opportunities we have to lie, the more we lie! How come this breakthrough is only being reported in this online mag.? Shouldn't this be on the new york times . . . . no. its friggin obvious. and this non-point has almost no connection to the study they are citing it coming from. Yet, in this article, it's its own stand alone paragraph. My final quote:
“The longer form of the message, the more is also a lie. Therefore, among the various media used to communicate online, e-mail is the best form of lie. Compared to speak directly when you meet, when writing e-mails you may feel more free to lie about your feelings, “said Zimbler again.
Best case scenario you all view the lines above as a sort of 'word jumble' that you have to unscramble to unlock the hidden meaning.
The article continues on and give colleague Dana Carney the same lack of editorial facial treatment. I don't know Dr. Carney that well, but i do know that she is a woman. I point this out only bbecause the article seems to think otherwise saying that “'Meanwhile, the farther we are with it, the easier we make decisions in a rational way and cool,' he added. "
Not good work lady ashot. Not good work at all.
So website http://ladyashot.com/ I'm calling you out. I would have written on your comments section, but they were "closed". And your site doesn't even seem to have an about us or info page. Who are you lady a-shot? And did i tease you when we were kids?
ps. if ladyashot turns out to be some grass roots aid organization in some foreign country in desperate need that is exploring how to use the web et al., I automatically rescind and retract my criticism and apologize for being an ass twice in one post.