These are the Creepers in your Neighborhood

Sunday, September 25, 2011 | 2 Comment(s)

If you were to go looking for me, at any given time when the sun is out--there are a few places you would look right away.  My house, the psychology building, and the coffee shop.  This post happened at the coffee shop.  My coffee shop.  Amherst Coffee.  (hi kylie).  Now i don't own Amherst Coffee.  It's not even a position i aspire to.  But, i do know every person that works there (or has worked there in the past 4 years) and a good 80% of the people who frequent this amazing coffee mecca.  It is my home base.  My social strike zone.  My tangible metaphor for community.

So it was not at all unusual to find me at the seats outside the front window, sipping an Americano, eating a muffin, and sitting with friends and puppies (grover's friend sadie and my friend becky were in for a visit--more on this later), chatting in the sun.  Mmf was inside talking with some friends, and i was outside with becky and two friends from our local bar.

There are, of course, downsides to community as well.  There are weirdos in your neighborhood, and ours is no exception.  Today weirdo is "the Creeper"

the creeper looks like a skinnier (but not skinny) strung out version of Ben Franklin.  glasses and all.  his long white hair is wisp, straight, and gray -- but it mostly is reminiscent (to me) of the hair that grows from burn victims heads.  Spotty.  He covers it with a floppy round brimmed fisherman's hat which really adds that pedophile feel which he probably isn't purposely going for.  What's amazing, is that none of this is why we call him the creeper.

This guys particular feature of creepiness includes: slowly sidestepping his way into other peoples private conversations and then, once physically close enough, using the close proximity as an excuse to just begin inserting himself into the conversation.

It's rude, uncomfortable, and, because the shit that comes out of his mouth is not benign (foreshadowing), its super duper annoying.  His creeping means that if you are having a conversation with friends, and you see this guy, you have to essentially move or shun him actively.  Good stuff.

So here we are, the four of us, sitting outside the coffee shop, with Grover (my pup) and Sadie (becky's adorable old english bulldog), when the creeper shuffles up.

Creeper (to me): "What was your dog's name again?"  

(we both live here and therefore he's seen my pup before)

Me (friendly): "oh, this is grover."

Creeper: "he's ugly."

*all of us are in a somewhat stunned silence*

Me: "excuse me?"

Creeper: "he's ugly . . . ugly . . . disgusting actually . . . .  he looks like you."

and he walks away.

This actually happened.  Verbatim.  My friends who were sitting with me looked over at me and all said, "if you told me the story of this happening, i wouldn't believe you. Or at least i wouldn't believe you that it happened JUST like it happened.  I would think you were exaggerating."

i am not exaggerating folks.  Stranger comes up, insults the cutest puppy in the world, then me (more understandable), then walks off.

And crazier still, this guy looks like the after photo of the super-villian who gained his evil powers after a horrible chemical plant accident.   The guy looks like he's got some kind of venereal disease all over his skin.  (i get mean when people f with my puppy)

But with every hilariously inappropriate insult from a stranger, there is a silver (hopefully padded) lining.  The creeper will creep near me no more.  I was so shocked by his out-of-nowhere insult, that i didn't have time to retort (he also went away).  I can assure you i will have no problem telling this guy to "go away because no one is talking to you" in the future, when he stalks up alongside us.

I did mention to him, on my way to my car, that the day that puppies seem ugly, might be a good day to take a long look in the mirror.

While i doubt he took my advice on the matter, if he did, i hope he found himself one strong-ass mirror.