At Least You're Better Off Than: The Single Pharmacist

Wednesday, July 31, 2013 | 0 Comment(s)

Sometimes, I think to myself, "My left arm is really uncomfortable in this position, on this TempurPedic mattress."  I feel like my world is ending.  And then I think, "Matt, you're a fucking asshole."  This series "At Least You're Better Off Than" is in tribute to that second thought.

The Single Pharmacist

There are times, albeit not often, but some times, when I can't think of anything worse than being a single pharmacist in a small to medium sized town.

Sure you have some real upsides.  Being a pharmacist means you get face time with a large segment of the town's population.  You meet everybody.  You are a central meeting place for people of means great enough to receive health care benefits.  And people trust you.  I mean, you are the local neighborhood drug dealer . . . with a smile.

Sure you see that cute guy in line for the first time, and you flash him the hint of a flirty smile with the reluctance of being trapped behind this indomitable counter.   But by the third time he calls in for refills of his fungal cream, that smile has morphed into the smallest flit of upward movement in recognition that you have sensed his presence in the pharmacy.

And no one is doubting the safety that comes from knowing that the cute woman who seems to be eyeing you picks up her birth control with responsible regularity.  But can that small benefit outweigh all of those scripts you've filled for yeast infections, herpes medication, and specialized foot powder?

As a single pharmacist, what begins as your greatest resource, contact with people. becomes your worst nightmare.  You are the victim of too much knowledge.  To be clear, none of the above conditions are innately embarrassing.  I am saying that if you knew every medication that anyone is on, it would most likely, consciously or subconsciously, add a few items to your list of "turns-offs." Because we don't go to the pharmacy to buy products that enhance what we consider to be the best parts of our body and our personality, we go to the pharmacy to buy solutions, or partial solutions, to what we consider the broken or imperfect parts of ourselves.

And so the single pharmacist ends up, ironically, looking at a dating pool just outside of her or his pharmacy's geographic area.  If you live in a really small town, that might mean you have to commute to date "outsiders."  That's some rough stuff.

So the next time you find yourself lamenting the texture of the product at the new frozen yogurt shoppe, just be thankful you aren't a single pharmacist, trying to find love in a world in which you know everyone's STD's.

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