The Real Garbage in the Disposal

Monday, July 29, 2013 | 1 Comment(s)

I was in LA this weekend visiting a bunch of people that I have known forever and therefore who couldn't believe that a real human woman would marry me.  The only way to convince them (short of them coming to my wedding . . . *cough cough*) was to bring the real mccoy straight to their doorstep.  And so, I did just that.

We were crashing at my friends' Josh & Lauren's place for the weekend.  While out for dinner with some other local friends, the following scenario played out:

Erin and I return to the house and Lauren "has a face on."

"You guys will not believe what happened.  As soon as you left, the garbage disposal broke while I was cooking for Josh's birthday party (happy birthday Josh).  I called the plumber (this is on a Saturday) and he has been here the last 3 hours.  He just left right before you got back," she says.

"What happened to it?"

"Well, I'm not sure, I mean, I was just putting cucumber in there . . . and  . . . well . . . maybe a lot of cucumber . . .  but still, I mean, it's cucumber . . . and the thing just stopped working completely . . . crazy right . . ."

My wife agrees.  Wives always agree with each other though.  It's like a rule.  They have to agree or they lose wife camaraderie. I, bound by a different set of rules, am still taking in information on the situation.  As I walk into the living room, Josh is sitting on the couch watching TV.    He looks up.  

"Did Lauren tell you how she put a pound of cucumber in the disposal?" he asks. 

"She did," I respond. 

The picture is getting a bit clearer.  

It does sound like the plumber was a bit of a jerk-wad.  He charged them $300 and additionally actually said the line, "A garbage disposal is a luxury, not a necessity," which is the verbal equivalent of your boss telling you that "if you have time to lean, you have time to clean."  He also intimated that their dog, a 35-pound love-bug lab-pit mix named Lilah, was racist.  That's a tough sell.  I mean, sure you're black and Josh & Lauren are white, but they are also in their house and you are a total stranger with a variety of crazy-ass smells on you.  "Racist dog" is a  tough sell in this instance, especially considering the amount of flak Lilah barked at me upon my initial arrival (despite only a hint of a tan), until I loved her into submission (we're besties now). 

All that said, this guy was not without his cab-driver like wisdom.

Upon completion of the disposal being fixed, Josh asked the guy how best to keep this type of thing from happening in the future.  The plumber gave one of the all-time best responses imaginable. 

He says, "I don't like to use the word "allow".  Pause Pause Pause.   But I have strongly suggested to my wife that she not use the disposal without me around.  I've suggested that she not use it at all.   Suggestive look at Lauren.  Suggestive look back at Josh." 

Wow.  Ballsy and wow.  I don't like to use the word "allow" either.  But I bet you that in the same situation, my wife would have strongly suggested to this crust of a plumber that he get on his knees and suck her dick.

1 comment:

  1. My father will tell you something similar--never install a garbage disposal. It's a plumbing problem waiting to happen