The headlines of the paper today are simply too good not to write about.  Let's get right to it.

The Hall-o-Famer:  Segway company owner rides scooter off cliff.

Now i know that a person dying isn't innately funny.  But, holy crap, i can't help myself from giggling each time i read a different version of this headline on different websites.  They say that all publicity is good publicity, but i think we may have finally found an exception to the rule.


The Straight-Out-of-an-80's-Movie:  Cop's daughter has sex; he fake-arrests boyfriend

I wish i coulda been there.  I wish i coulda seen it.  While on first read this seems like a HUGE over-reaction by an overprotective father, the more i think about it, the more i think that were i a police-officer (shiver) and put in the same position, i probably would have done the same thing.  I mean, why be a cop if not to abuse that power to scare the shit out of people.  Isn't that the whole point of the blinding forward facing spotlight they train on your rear-view mirror when they pull you over.  Some scrawny little Lothario comes to my house to put it to my (imaginary) daughter, and you bet your ass i'd think of something so penis-shrinking that it would take scientists and microscopes to get that turtle to peak out of its hole once again (no pun intended). Apparently sex is the new possession--you can get arrested, but you can't go to jail.


The "And you thought Newspaper's were dead"  From the Metro section of today's NYT:  "What he left behind:  A 1,905-page suicide note"

Once again, death isn't super funny.  Suicide especially.  But here's the thing--as a grad student i can say with some certainty that 1,900 is not a note.  It's a suicide novel.  An anonymous professor saw said headline and remarked, "After writing that much, what else IS there to do but kill yourself."  Said posthumous note (sent to friends and family by email) had 1,433 footnotes, a 20 page bibliography and more than 1,700 references to god.  An irony that is somewhat accentuated by the timing of his death atop the Harvard Memorial Church on Yom Kippur.   It's sad AND crazy.  and a little funny.  I hope there are tempur-pedic mattresses in hell.

 To end on a unquestionably fun note, some of my recent tweets (this is NOT to make you follow my twitter, it's because i assume only a few of you do).  Enjoy 140 characters of fun.

@mattitiyahu:  I want to get the billionaire song out of my head, so friggin bad.

@mattitiyahu: Are pegged jean shorts back in fashion? Subquestion: Are you fucking kidding me?


@mattitiyahu: (this one's for those of you on 4square:  I'm at Your Mom's House (Where you live, at Home Ave, Vaginaville). http://4sq.com/bJbJbJ3X

@mattitiyahu: When did women's jeans and spandex become the same thing.  (ed. note: the Sassy Curmudgeon aka. my friend Una has informed me that these are called: "Jeggings"

@mattitiyahu:  @sassycurmudgeon if i pull a pair of "jeggings" over their face, is it called strangulation, jeggulation, or does it fall under "mercy kill"

@mattitiyahu: I swear to god I can't tell which are the actors and which are reality tv personalities. #PeopleMagazineConfusesMe

@mattitiyahu:  I want to get the billionaire song out of my head, so friggin bad.  #it'sTHATbad

@mattitiyahu: I think that having a bank employee help me use the ATM would turn me into a full fledged killer.

@mattitiyahu:   I JUST figured out when "Scrubs" jumped the shark. It's when Zach Braff's character became Ally McBeal.

and last but not least (ed. note/ FYI: painkillers make you constipated)

@mattitiyahu french press vs. painkillers. french press won. the proof, as they say, is in the pudding.