I fully intended today's writing to be about my wedding this past weekend.  I am not even close to modest enough not to share all the amazingness and friendgasm that was this past weekend.

and then this woman had to go and use the word "barbaric."

To explain.   I was sitting alone on a bench in the shade, eating some blackberry frozen yogurt with mini-Reeses' pieces dots sprinkled all about.  That's what I was doing.  To be clear, that's why i was in town.  When all of this went down, i was, literally, minding my own business.  I emphasize this because those who know me best know that this is rarely the case.

From two directions come friends of mine.  One, saunters from my right, alongside her mother.  The other, arrives from the parking lot behind me, and is traveling with a female friend.  Let's call her Mona.  See seemed like a Mona.

These two friends of mine also know each other, and considering that i am still shiny with that new marriage glow, they all converged around my bench, with me the only one with frozen yogurt.

My female friend's mom when to go get a coffee and she sat with me on the bench, as my male friend stayed standing, chatting with his companion.  Now, this part i'm not clear on, because i was in my own conversation, but somehow the other people got into a conversation about circumcision.

I stayed as far away as I could without actually moving (I was here to eat some god damn frozen yogurt).  But, as with any conversation that you hope doesn't get opened up to the larger group, Mona decides to open up her stance and start really projecting her views on this issue.

Now, I should first say that Mona was really the only one expressing her viewpoint on this issue.  The rest of us really just didn't want to be having this conversation.  Especially because Mona was adamantly anti-circumcision.  and she meant business.

Admittedly, I have a low tolerance for crazy.  More now than any other time in my life.   But i held my tongue as long as I possibly could.  And then she said, "but it's so barbaric!"  and with that, she stepped over my line.

Circumcision is one of those rare issues that I can absolutely see both sides to.  One the one hand, no one is dying of having a foreskin these days.  It's one of those advantages of living in a first world country.  So to chop a piece of the weeny off right after birth can be viewed as a bit extreme, and certainly unnecessary.

On the knife hand, as a circumcised male, i'm glad its circumcised.  Cleaner lines, aesthetically superior.  From a  public health perspective, it's cleaner and can help prevent sexually transmitted diseases.   But still, America circumcision is like a total "whatever" on the public health priority list.

So she calls circumcision barbaric.

And I have to say that this is one of those times when its a little crazier that a woman is arguing this point so fervently.   I mean, she had that crazy need for us to agree with us in that way that a person does after convincing her husband that they shouldn't circumcise their son -- or after falling in love with the first man you have ever been with who wasn't circumcised.  She had the need for us to be on her side.

And between you and me, none of us were.

But, like polite humans around strangers, we kept mostly quiet.  Until the barbarism.

Let's be clear here.  FEMALE circumcision is barbaric.  There is no ambiguity.  Destroying a woman's ability to feel sexual arousal is a disgusting horrible barbaric act.

Male circumcision has been reported to increase sensitivity.  big f'n difference.  Like I said before, i see the opinion of circumcision as unnecessary -- but giving a child a medical procedure that is, in that kid's parent's opinion, what's best for the child -- is the very opposite of barbaric.

Barbaric is killing that baby and raping the parents.  Circumcision is carefully cutting a piece of skin off from around the penis.

My pointing this differentiation out to Mona did not go well.  Remember Mona.  Mona hates circumcision.  She hates it like a woman whose father and brother weren't circumcised and like maybe she hates the jews subconsciously.  (I liken Mona's rage toward circumcision to me being militant that women should only wear pads, not tampons because of the risk of toxic shock syndrome.   I could only see myself taking up that cause if a close loved one had experienced it.)

She was still trying to convince that my own penis was mutilated shortly after birth, when a mother with 2 kids, ages probably 5 and 7 started peeking in and out of our conversation.

It was weird.   Why were we getting the auditory pat down?  She exclaims, "Oh, I just wanted to make sure you weren't smoking before i sat down with my kids."

My Friend: "Oh, would you like us to start up again."

Sir Mom-a-lot:  "Well, I'd rather you didn't light up ever again for yourself as well as me, but I'll save you that speech, since you have probably heard it before.

(NEWS FLASH: YOU DIDN'T JUST SAVE US THE SPEECH, YOU JUST GAVE IT TO US)

Now i hate smoking, but i hate that backwards talk moral bullshit much much more.

At this point I . . .  Remember me.  I was just sitting there on the bench.  Eating blackberry frozen yogurt with mini-Reeses' pieces dots sprinkled all about.

At this point I exclaim, "Man, everyone's telling me what i can and can't have today."

My friends laugh.  Mona and the Mom-i-nator pretend to laugh.

Mercifully, I had finished my frozen yogurt.