So tomorrow is my golden birthday. 31 on the 31rst. And for whatever reason, here's what's on my mind.
The first day of college they assembled (herded) all us 17 and 18-year-olds into the gymnasium for a big dinner to start the school year. At the conclusion of the meal, the 1rst year's dean got up and gave a speech about how many people were in our class, our combined weight, what colleges people had rejected, etc. It was gimicky and fun and fine.
Here is what I wish she had said:
Dear Young People,
You need to realize that your body will never be this young again. Right now you can drink all you want and still function the next day. That is a super power. You should treat it as such. You have a ton of these powers that you should be using for good, bad, and really bad. You can jump into a pick-up game of soccer, without stretching, and walk to class the next day. Super Power. Stay up til 4am dancing but have to do work the next day? No Problemo. Super Power. Irresponsible experimentation? Super Power. So as you enter this esteemed collegiate setting, remember that it is your duty, nay, it is your obligation, to exploit the world with your youthful exuberance and bounce back ability. Live it the fuck up. Cause these power don't last forever.
A note to myself on the Eve of my 31rst birthday.
Friday, October 30, 2009 | 0 Comment(s)
Thursday, October 29, 2009 | 2 Comment(s)
I'm going to say something. And im pretty sure that if you disagree with this thing i say. Than i think you are a douche-bag. High stakes, i know. I could lose some readers with this one. Here goes.
Talking on your cell phone while dealing with a person in the service industry; this is check-out people, waiters/waitresses, anyone behind a counter really; is the utmost of disrespect and should be punishable. I have not yet thought of what it should be punishable by (and im trying not to go there cause im obviously a bit worked up about this), but i know it should be punishable.
There it is. I'm said it. If you can rationalize doing this to your fellow human being, i would challenge you to inspect how you value those around you. And i realize that this is my second "bitch-fest" blog (wow those 3 words together made me throw up in my mouth a little) in a row. And that's not the "direction" im going with this thing. But there it is.
this young woman in line at CVS, you know, im actually inclined to call her a girl, is waiting in line for the register talking full volume on the phone. A taste: "El Em Ay Oh, you know 'laughing my ass off,' yah, laughing my ass off, like El Oh El, laugh out loud, yah, like that cept laughing my ass off, El Em Ay Oh" (folks, im not a good enough writer to make this up). And that's not great. I mean, right there you have some issues going on. This is already ignoring the fact that she is basically screaming in this kid in front of her's ear. At least she did once do a back-and-forth in the aisle she was lined up in. And listen. I'm not perfect. Talking in line happens. I realize that. I forgive. I don't know her. Who am I to judge.
But then she goes up to the counter. I am at a counter parallel to her at this point and the woman (working the 'Picture Counter') who is helping me is, somewhat ironically, speaking on a corded phone (can you believe they still have those). Now, let's be fair. That's rude. But, i would say in comparison to booming in line, it's even less rude than that. The difference? SHE is helping ME. She doesn't need my help for anything. If I were not there, she'd be fine. The opposite is not true. But, seeing her on the phone reminds me to look over at the girl who i assume is now off her phone. She is not. Booming at the same volume, she pushes her purchases over to the 16-year-old behind the counter. No eye contact. She actually doesn't even turn her face towards him (which i can't tell if that is worse or better to be honest). And here is the kicker. As the check out guy hands her her receipt he says, with a perfectly straight face, "You're Welcome, I hope you have a wonderful day." Now, im usually pretty good at telling sarcasm. But he rode the line between seriousness and utter absurdity so well, that my heart bottomed out at the same time that I let out an audible, "Ha!" in a whispered scream.
And she's gone. She's gone like that didn't even happen. Like she didn't just ignore this kid's existence as he tried to facilitate her life. It's fucking awful people. Don't do it. If your phone conversation is that important, you shouldn't be multi-tasking in the first place.
Talking on your cell phone while dealing with a person in the service industry; this is check-out people, waiters/waitresses, anyone behind a counter really; is the utmost of disrespect and should be punishable. I have not yet thought of what it should be punishable by (and im trying not to go there cause im obviously a bit worked up about this), but i know it should be punishable.
There it is. I'm said it. If you can rationalize doing this to your fellow human being, i would challenge you to inspect how you value those around you. And i realize that this is my second "bitch-fest" blog (wow those 3 words together made me throw up in my mouth a little) in a row. And that's not the "direction" im going with this thing. But there it is.
this young woman in line at CVS, you know, im actually inclined to call her a girl, is waiting in line for the register talking full volume on the phone. A taste: "El Em Ay Oh, you know 'laughing my ass off,' yah, laughing my ass off, like El Oh El, laugh out loud, yah, like that cept laughing my ass off, El Em Ay Oh" (folks, im not a good enough writer to make this up). And that's not great. I mean, right there you have some issues going on. This is already ignoring the fact that she is basically screaming in this kid in front of her's ear. At least she did once do a back-and-forth in the aisle she was lined up in. And listen. I'm not perfect. Talking in line happens. I realize that. I forgive. I don't know her. Who am I to judge.
But then she goes up to the counter. I am at a counter parallel to her at this point and the woman (working the 'Picture Counter') who is helping me is, somewhat ironically, speaking on a corded phone (can you believe they still have those). Now, let's be fair. That's rude. But, i would say in comparison to booming in line, it's even less rude than that. The difference? SHE is helping ME. She doesn't need my help for anything. If I were not there, she'd be fine. The opposite is not true. But, seeing her on the phone reminds me to look over at the girl who i assume is now off her phone. She is not. Booming at the same volume, she pushes her purchases over to the 16-year-old behind the counter. No eye contact. She actually doesn't even turn her face towards him (which i can't tell if that is worse or better to be honest). And here is the kicker. As the check out guy hands her her receipt he says, with a perfectly straight face, "You're Welcome, I hope you have a wonderful day." Now, im usually pretty good at telling sarcasm. But he rode the line between seriousness and utter absurdity so well, that my heart bottomed out at the same time that I let out an audible, "Ha!" in a whispered scream.
And she's gone. She's gone like that didn't even happen. Like she didn't just ignore this kid's existence as he tried to facilitate her life. It's fucking awful people. Don't do it. If your phone conversation is that important, you shouldn't be multi-tasking in the first place.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 | 1 Comment(s)
So last night i look at the T.V. schedule to see if gLee will be coming on (no such luck). While i am browsing (since i don't care to learn which network my favorite shows are on--im at max cognitive capacity god damn it!) i see that CBS's lineup consists of "Beverly Hill, 90210" followed by "Melrose Place." And just for a millisecond, just for a fraction of a millisecond, my heart pounds. In that fraction of a milli-pound i flash on the 90's, i flash on Brenda and Kelly fighting over Dillion, I think about how many times I "enjoyed" Kelly Tiffany Amber Valerie Kopowski Malone , I flash on alcohol being dispensed via back-pack dispensary system, I think of Amanda seducing clients on her office desk, of Billy "he's a soccer player in real life" Campbell, of wanting Sydney to act nicer so she could be my girlfriend, and i flash on wiping that smile off of goody-two-shoes Brendan's face (this was before the car accident wiped off his face). I flash on wigs being peeled back and faces getting burnt in house fires. I am at the height on teen drama nirvana. I don't even know there is such a thing as a teen vampire.
But alas, I cannot lie to myself. I cannot forget that i know that they have remade these classics. And let me say, THAT IS SUCH FUCKING WEAK SAUSE. Have we really run out of ideas. I mean, this is teen drama folks. Make up a new god damn high school. Dream up a whole new condo complex. Leave my god damn childhood alone you filthy tv executives who are too lazy to develop new characters that you have to mine my nostalgia and ruin tv's golden era of teen soaps. Grow an imagination. Don't disrespect today's youth and insult us Gen Xers by feeding us a recycled watered down cardboard cut out of a moldy classic and call it an original series. Cause no matter what you call it, it tastes like shit to me.
(. . . and that's how Sue . . . C's it)
But alas, I cannot lie to myself. I cannot forget that i know that they have remade these classics. And let me say, THAT IS SUCH FUCKING WEAK SAUSE. Have we really run out of ideas. I mean, this is teen drama folks. Make up a new god damn high school. Dream up a whole new condo complex. Leave my god damn childhood alone you filthy tv executives who are too lazy to develop new characters that you have to mine my nostalgia and ruin tv's golden era of teen soaps. Grow an imagination. Don't disrespect today's youth and insult us Gen Xers by feeding us a recycled watered down cardboard cut out of a moldy classic and call it an original series. Cause no matter what you call it, it tastes like shit to me.
(. . . and that's how Sue . . . C's it)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 | 5 Comment(s)
If you're reading this, and you don't have a hat on, put one on. I'll wait. Because i am about to BLOW YOUR MIND, and i wouldn't want little pieces of brain getting all over the place.
My father, Harvey, is the shiz, the poo, the bee's knees. Say it however you want, but he is like a father to me and I love him. Here he is from a picture I pulled off the internet.
Now if I were to describe my dad here are some ways i would do it. A) My dad is white. I know this because I am white and he pulls his socks all the way up when he wears shorts. B) My dad is liberal (politically speaking). While he may get stuck in some of those "the changing of the times" discussions, he always knows he's wrong. And, for the sake of clarification, he would never think to not let gays marry or put to a Nazi mustache on Obama (I'd be floored if he didn't vote for him). Let me go about this a different way. My dad bought me a t-shirt that said "Meet the Fuckers" (a take off on the "Meet the Focker's" movie series, and pictured are George W. and The Dick Cheney.
So, at this point I will ask you a question. Have you ever wondered what you would look like if you were a different race? Well, my dad doesn't have to wonder. In a turn of events that can only be described as unbelievably world shockingly ground shatteringly crazy, a black Harvey already exists. And you may even know him.
So, I think to myself, where to find a black Harvey. And then, as if answering my question, FOX "news" broadcasts the new GOP Republican Party leader Michael Steele. Now, I no social psychologist (wait a minute, i am!) but having a black head of the Republican party is about as random as Senor Pope being Catholic. A black leader of the GOP as a response to the new black leader of the USA--genius. I mean, not transparent at all. Now I want to be clear in saying that I dislike everything about Mr. Steele with the exception of how he looks. Example why, "Steele compared stem cell research to Nazi experiments during the Holocaust."
He seems to be going out of his way to promote black stereotypes under the idea that he is bringing more black voters to the Republican Party. He calls George W. his "homeboy" and here are some videos for further enjoyment: here and here and who can resist here. All this is to say he's a douche. Butttttttt . . . here is what he looks like:
My dad's reaction? "Good looking guy.
This is improbable.
This is crazy.
This is a game changer.
My black dad is the head of the GOP.
I put it to you. What the hell am I supposed to do about this!?!?!
And now, for the finale, the side to side view:
My father, Harvey, is the shiz, the poo, the bee's knees. Say it however you want, but he is like a father to me and I love him. Here he is from a picture I pulled off the internet.
Now if I were to describe my dad here are some ways i would do it. A) My dad is white. I know this because I am white and he pulls his socks all the way up when he wears shorts. B) My dad is liberal (politically speaking). While he may get stuck in some of those "the changing of the times" discussions, he always knows he's wrong. And, for the sake of clarification, he would never think to not let gays marry or put to a Nazi mustache on Obama (I'd be floored if he didn't vote for him). Let me go about this a different way. My dad bought me a t-shirt that said "Meet the Fuckers" (a take off on the "Meet the Focker's" movie series, and pictured are George W. and The Dick Cheney.So, at this point I will ask you a question. Have you ever wondered what you would look like if you were a different race? Well, my dad doesn't have to wonder. In a turn of events that can only be described as unbelievably world shockingly ground shatteringly crazy, a black Harvey already exists. And you may even know him.
So, I think to myself, where to find a black Harvey. And then, as if answering my question, FOX "news" broadcasts the new GOP Republican Party leader Michael Steele. Now, I no social psychologist (wait a minute, i am!) but having a black head of the Republican party is about as random as Senor Pope being Catholic. A black leader of the GOP as a response to the new black leader of the USA--genius. I mean, not transparent at all. Now I want to be clear in saying that I dislike everything about Mr. Steele with the exception of how he looks. Example why, "Steele compared stem cell research to Nazi experiments during the Holocaust."
He seems to be going out of his way to promote black stereotypes under the idea that he is bringing more black voters to the Republican Party. He calls George W. his "homeboy" and here are some videos for further enjoyment: here and here and who can resist here. All this is to say he's a douche. Butttttttt . . . here is what he looks like:
My dad's reaction? "Good looking guy.This is improbable.
This is crazy.
This is a game changer.
My black dad is the head of the GOP.
I put it to you. What the hell am I supposed to do about this!?!?!
And now, for the finale, the side to side view:
