Musings of a Grumpy Matt

Wednesday, December 9, 2009 | 6 Comment(s)

I didn't have a great day.  Mismanaged my time and it all came out . . . like a broken yoke.  And I'm grumpy.  Somewhere between a grumpy Muppet grumpy and Sitting on the Dock of the Bay Grumpy.  But I am really making an effort to keep up my writing.  So here goes.

First this gem brought to my attention by my friend Eden (work safe).  I also had the pleasure of seeing this live on air with my gf.  This is the ultimate "be careful what you wish for."  First I go off about how Hannukah gets a bad rap and then BANG . . . PSA's saying you should schedule your gf/wife's pap-smear as a Hannukah present.  There are so many things wrong with this I'm going to have to start a list (feel free to add your own in the comments [where did all my commenters go?]):

1.  Didn't we miss a step.  From a little Menorah next to a huge Christmas tree to health PSAs?  Did we just forgo the "appropriately celebrating and respecting a Jewish holiday" category.  Or is this like an ironic hipster mocking thing that I don't really get but i'm sure I will see a t-shirt that looks like its from the 80's referencing soon. 

2.  Why is a guy doing this.  And not a famous guy.  Just some obviously Jewish guy.  If you want to have any non-doctor male talk about pap-smears, he has to be downright gorgeous.  He has to be so hot that ALL (straight) women can do is thing of their vagina.  And even then its a stretch.  Some dorky looking jew?  nope.  not gonna happen.  TRUST me. 

3.  Perhaps this should be #1.  Attention Jewish Men!!!! THIS IS A TRAP!!!!!!!!!! 
Do you know what would happen if i scheduled my gf's pap-smear as a surprise?  I don't either, but i know it's not good.  And i know it consists of a conversation where my contribution consists solely of me whimpering, "I am so so sorry."  And I do NOT like those conversation (i really prefer being right).  And THEN, if I told her that pap-smear I got her was her Christmas/Hannukah gift!?!  Frankly, I'd break up with me if i did that.  And I would hope that she would have the sense to do the same.  Men, and this is all men now, if for some reason you have a propensity to be interested in the finer details of your woman's vagina health (and that's cool man, that's cool), the farthest you can take this interest is to ask if she's gotten her annual check-up.  And, if you're asking my advice, even that conversation high a high percentage chance of being weird. (Women, am I wrong here? Again, the comments section is available.)  All in all, i say if you're that worried, go take a closer look.  That way everybody wins.

4.  CBS, can't you show us any other way you care?  Plant a god damn tree for christ's sake (i sinned in two religions right there!).  Tell us to go hiking or to use the stairs more or to paint our roofs white or to give jackets to charity or to tell the people in our life we love them or to adopt a pet from a shelter.  Pretty much anything is better than advising men to schedule a papsmear for "your woman" as a holiday gift.  CBS, that doesn't say you care, it says you are a fucking idiot.

5.  Maybe i'm nitpicking on this one.  But if you are the guy they chose to do this unenviable task, please reconsider using this as the perfect vehicle for your experimentation with leaving one more shirt button unbuttoned.  Yes, this applies even if the shirt in question is lavender.


Lastly.  Can they please leave Tiger alone.  I'm not saying he did something good or bad or anything.  I'm saying we don't need to tear our heroes down to their bones just to remember that we are all fallible.  By fetishizing Tiger's personal problems we are just empowering glory hounds and other destructive forces while, in the end, both demolishing the public figure and permanently scarring his family.  Ironically, in the name of our false morality in support of Tiger's wife, we are compounding her misery exponentially. 

Note: I did not debate in high school but I believe the previous paragraph, if spoken as the answer to a pro-leavingTigerthehellalone argument, would have received high marks.  Toodles.


  1. 1. Don't even THINK about it!
    2. Schmeer belongs on bagels, period (pun intended).

  2. if you made erin a pap appt for chanukah/xmas, we wouldn't let you marry us.

  3. That psa made me want to vomit...what a step backwards!!

  4. Dude, how's this for equal time:

  5. Wow. Just wow. Do i have to write a whole other blog entry about how horrible that is? Or can you just reread this entry and flip the relevant details. Fair and balanced? Yes. Equally unbelievably horrible? Also yes. If my gf get me a prostate exam for Hannukkah, she will also need to find a new place to live. Nuff said.