Adventures in Wedding Planning: Part One

Monday, May 16, 2011 | 7 Comment(s)

So, by nature of the nickname ('my m'f'n fiance'), mmf and i have begun planning for our nuptials.  But, said nuptuals are still over a year away, so we are still trying to enjoy the process and toss around any wedding ideas that may pop into our heads.  Which is a perfect transition into todays blog topic which is:

"Worst Wedding Idea Possible Suggested by members of the Wedding Couple." Somehow, i am fairly certain that in the coming year, the award will be expanded to include a "by a non-Wedding Couple member" and perhaps a "by Total Strangers" category.  We can only wait and hope.

But lets not get ahead of ourselves.  Yesterday, both mmf and myself got on the board of "worst ideas ever."  Mmf even bested herself in just the first day of play.

MMF's Worst idea #1.   I suggested (half-jokingly) that we have the tables be signified by various power animals.  (this is not the bad part assholes--spirit animals are awesome.  period.).  Mmf then threw out the additional suggestion that guests could then just choose which table they wanted to sit at (presumably by power animal?).  this is a bad idea for a host of reasons.  here are the 2 most obvious to me.

1. This is essentially open seating for the wedding.  Um . . . trust me, if this were a good idea, nobody would spend hours stressing over seating charts.  Ever.

2.  On my own wedding day i would be stuck at the "Chickadee" table all alone, or maybe with an ornithologist who went with the only bird available.  Not cool.

This was her brunch suggestion.  At dinner, she let this one rip:

MMF's Worst idea #2 (and current champion): In a discussion over where we should go to maximize relaxation and pampering for our honeymoon, mmf suggests . . . and i am not making this up . . .  TIJUANA!  I have been to tijuana.  You have a much better shot of getting a great deal on some (perhaps only slightly used) Pampers than you do of actually getting pampered.  You have a better chance getting involved with a huge drug deal than you do of getting a huge deal on a hotel.  You have a better chance of sipping giardiasis than you do of sipping juice poolside. 

I think you get the idea.

My Worst idea #1:  On a car ride home recently, Nine Inch Nail's song Closer came on the radio.  (Note To Parents: Nine Inch Nails is a band name.)  This is a great song.  A really great song.  It's one of the few songs that i voluntarily tell people my *cough cough* college a capella group *cough cough* sang.  Suuuuuuuuure you could argue that some of the lyrics are explicit.  I would argue that almost all of them are.  "I want to fuck you like an animal.  I want to feel you from the inside.  I want to feel closer to goddddd" goes the refrain.  Sure, its not "good christian music," but the genius of the song is in its delivery.  The way they say the words combined with the driving instrumentals, conveys such a primal, human, sexual drive.  It is very "get-able."

Annnnyways.  Here comes the fun part.  I thought it would be hilarious and wonderful to have that be our wedding entrance song . . .

eh . . .

eh . . .

eh . . .

Yah.  Mmf didn't think so either.  And instead of laughing agreement, i received that "Matt, that idea is not as funny as you think and i can't even risk a courtesy laugh because of my fear that you might run with it."  You know the look.  The "that was your worst wedding idea yet" look. 

Message received. 


  1. Maybe a compromise can be reached. We'll bring Quasi back together to sing it for you?

    "Aaaaa-niii-maaaaal FUCK!"

  2. John and I decided yesterday that if Jackson were in our wedding, the DJ would play "Ludacris - What's Your Fantasy" to introduce him. We actually quite lick -- I mean -- like the idea.

  3. If Bare Necessities Jam were to actually perform, it could be a worthwhile activity. Maybe Irish Dancers? Or green champagne?

    When are you getting married? I might have a 5th kid by then :) LMAO.

  4. I love that 2 of the 3 comments relate to the one line about a capella.

    @Eden. no no. its like bah bah, bah dow dow.

    @Ari ill write that in now.

    @Slow-Mo. Wow. Way to bring it WAY WAY back. Only one Bear Necessities will be in attendance. and the date is 5-27-12. mark it.

  5. Ok... so here are some awesome ideas.....

    Awesome Idea #1) You announce the bride and groom outfits ahead of time. Everyone gets and wears one.. our choice. And then there is a lottery and dozens of little weddings that go with and mirror yours.

    Awesome Idea #2) Tables are arranged into two gangs. Sharks and Jets... Big musical number at the end.

    Awesome Idea #3) Tables are arranged into two gangs. Crypts and Bloods.... big gunfight at the end.

    Awesome Idea #4) Slip and slide wedding aisle.

  6. @markdavenpart 1) perhaps in a different multiverse.

    2) don't prey on my love for musicals. you say "Newsies" and i might start making some bad decision.

    3) worst idea by a friend of the wedding couple

    4) this one is amazing. i'll have to ask the mmf.

  7. Ok ok... let's combine #2 & #3 and it will be like a scene from the timecop remake I want to do.