How Babies are Destroying America

Sunday, February 21, 2010 | 5 Comment(s)

It's not entirely my fault that this is such a confusing time.  As a man in his 30's (albeit early thirties!) it seems as if my peers are dropping kids like quarters at an arcade.  I mean, people who I didn't even know had significant others are popping up on Facebook sporting el baby belly.  

And while there is nothing at all WRONG with this of course, it kinda makes my head spin.  Here's why.

In high school I was brought up, like many children of the 80's and early 90's (pre-Juno), that teen pregnancy was the worse possible fate.  I mean, at least the way it was presented to me, it would have be preferable to stick a hepatitis infected needle in my arm than knock up one of my 16-year-old classmates.  It's not difficult to see how I didn't lose my virginity in high school considering that I connected baby making with at least 1 of the 4 horsemen (horse-people?) of the apocalypse.  Something about a teenaged girl's belly growing seemed to make god cry, and I didn't want any part of that.  (Thankfully, even god liked playing with boobies.)

This mindset didn't stop in college.  While I finally moved past the 'sex = baby' barrier, I still got the feeling that if I came home and told my parents that i had gotten one of my classmates pregnant, my rents would have begun some sort of religious fasting process involving wearing black, ripping their clothes, and shouting to our Jewish ancestors, "our son is dead!"  (this is an exaggeration--they would never disown me--but you get the idea).   

So now, well post-college, i realize that this mentality is still ingrained in the nooks and crannies of my life approach.  When someone tells me they're pregnant, my first half-second reaction (before my common sense kicks in) is, "man are your parents going to be pissed."   But that's just the thing.  The exact opposite is true!  Parents are DYING for grandkids.  What initially was a parent's fear of their child's lifelong scarlet letter has turned into the search for the holy grail (excuse my mixing my metaphors/literature/media).  

Someone pulled the ol switch-a-roo on me, and frankly I'm kinda pissed about it. After a lifetime of successfully NOT knocking anyone up, NOW i'm expected to turn all of that repression around and aim for insemination.  Not cool parents.  Not cool social expectations.  Fuck you onions!  Just when I thought I'd gotten the hang of this whole 'growing up' thing, babies have to come along with their squishy cuteness and change all the rules.  

Screw this.   I'm getting a dog.


  1. Man, you are a funny fella!

    I was fortunate enough to have this happen to me,

    It also involves babies, but it's more along the lines of social stupidity. Enjoy.

  2. Well, there's one whole conundrum I never had to worry about and never will.
    Babies are overrated anyway.

  3. I fully support the getting-a-dog thing.

    I'm still in my early 20's and cannot believe the number of people I know who are getting knocked up (multiple times, even!). It hurts my brain.

  4. Do it. Spawn. Throw caution to the wind and make more Zimblers. Best decision you'll ever make. If nothing else, you should be sure to practice every day so you're ready when the big show comes a'callin :-)

  5. @Midwest Girl: Fuck them. They're bitches. Being old doesn't allow you to be grossly insensitive.

    @John: Totally overrated

    @Melissa I have begun searching dogs on the internet. its a developing disorder.

    @Slow-Mo: Practice makes perfect, and i wouldn't want to put that kinda pressure on my unborn child.