Locker Room Update: We have Lift-off

Wednesday, November 10, 2010 | 1 Comment(s)

I know there is a subsection of you, my noble readers, who really are always just reading in hopes of me updating you on the "locker-room situation."

Well today is your lucky day.  Cause we've got update.

Last we left our anti-hero, the knots were piling up and i was beginning to wonder what was going on in this guys head that he would be immune to having 13 knots in his swimsuit strings.

I'm here to tell you he's human.  Today i did a thorough count, and there were only 5 knots in the strings.  Most notably, the ones that i put way down the string where they were normally covered by the waistband, are out.  So her knows someones tying knots in his strings, and he still keeps it hanging outside.  All this equation needs now is a little consistency.  With my back surgery et al., i had to take a hiatus from a regular swim schedule.  Now, engaged and healing, i'm ready to re-commit.  Now that i know the message has been received, we just have to crank up the message's volume.

I added a knot today.  That makes 6 total.

But wait, there's more.

Last week, as i was walking to my locker to change into my swimsuit, the young man (grad student age) with the locker directly next to mine, held out his bathing-suit, and wrung all the water out of it right in front of my locker.  A big friggin puddle.  And granted, i don't think he knew it was mine (even though i said SOMETHING audible when i saw it like, "come ON."   I projected it up into the air and not at him, but come ON.   He did see me go to my locker though and offered no apology.

Also, the bottom catch on his locker doesn't work.  This means that (i am the devil) if you pull on the lock at all, the bottom half of the locker bows well out.  Now, i'm not SURE i have it in me . . . but this situation really seems to be calling for a piss puck.

What is a piss puck?* I'm surprised you don't know!?!  But i'm happy you asked.  You take a paper cup, and pee just a half-inch or inch of urine into said cup.  Put said cup in the freezer.  Wait.  Wait a little more.  What you remove from the freezer in an "in mold" piss puck.  To use the piss cup, simply peal away the cup and you can slide that piss puck through any small space.  Under a door, into a locker.  And when it melts, you have yourself a gosh darn mystery.  How did someone pee in the middle of my office overnight?  Does it smell like pee to you?  It smells kinda like pee to me?  


I could easily slide the piss puck into his locker.  I'm not saying i'm going to.  i'm just letting you all know that i could.  Easily.

I am like the Punisher of the locker room.   Doling out vigilante justice.  I will become what they fear most . . . . . Consequences!" 

*it should be made clear that i did not invent the piss puck.  I think i saw it on or something equally embarrassing. 

1 comment:

  1. So what you're saying is that sometimes--sometimes, at least--there's piss in your freezer.