I Win Again. I Sanctify Marriage for Everyone, Old White Men and Gays Alike

Tuesday, January 29, 2013 | 0 Comment(s)

There has been a lot of talk over the past few years regarding the sanctity of marriage.  And as a recent newlywed myself, I now feel as if I've got my own skin in the game.  If there was ever a time for yours truly to protect and exalt the sanctity of marriage, now is that time.  Thus, I have come up with what I believe to be a fool-proof sanctity of marriage protector.  With a blend of old-school grit and new aged creativity I give to you the final solution to the sanctity of marriage problem:

Now, if you believe in marriage, which I'm sure you all do because of it's obvious benefits to both your tax rates and life-span projections, you understand the purity and goodness that emanates from your permanent commitment to another person.  I don't know about you guys, but when I adjust my wedding band, a bright white light radiates outs from the newly uncovered skin.  This is some holy mother f'n matrimony here folks.   And if you believe in what is holy, I mean marriage, you also believe in the importance of traditions.  Because they connect us to our ancestors and our ancestors are long dead and therefore holy.  Respect your elders people.

Now that you have a newfound respect for tradition, you therefore acknowledge the oldest and most pious of wedding traditions, the exchanging of rings.  The rings are a symbol of your commitment to each other.  While useful for avoiding awkward social situations, the virtue of the wedding band resides in the ore of the metal (side note: get a metal wedding band!) and the power of the earth.  So, the first step in keeping marriage sacred, is to institute a mandatory ring policy.  While this may seem a bit Stalin-esc, the ring is integral to the integrity of marriage.  Trust me.  It is a clear and ever-present sign that you admit to the world that you are married, therefore simultaneously acknowledging that any activity engaged in without the accompaniment of said ring is "out of bounds" and thereby un-sacred.  You are the anti-Frodo.  You. Must. Wear. The. Ring.

Phase Two.  The beauty of Phase Two is in its simplicity.  I have saved marriage for everyone with just  a simple little tweak:   In the case of a divorce, both marriage participants forfeit their fingers north of their marriage band.  

That's right folks, stump city.  If you are ready to get married you need to be ready to say I do, 'til our fingers' do we part.'  This way, saying, "I do" means something again.  No more stupid celebrity wedding nonsense.  It'd be too risky for one's career.  Kim Kardashian WOULDN'T EVEN BE A THING!   This is common good legislation people!  You want people to sanctify marriage?  Well, people need consequences.  And this kind of eye for an eye solution seems to have been starring us in the face for too long.  If you are serious about loving someone forever, a finger should fall squarely in the "worth sacrificing" category.  And it's only your ring finger for goodness sake.  They're like your appendix, virtually worthless.

This policy may be harsh but it is not without forgiveness.  This policy allows for mistakes to be made.  Sure, you lose a ring finger, but that's why you've got another one.  And if you meet that special someone later in life, that's the ring finger you'll use for your second ceremony.  Not coincidentally, it is also the finger you'll lose if marriage number two doesn't work out for you.  I bet you this legislation will put quite a few marriage counselors back to work.  Job creation!!!  Think you might be able to work things out with Demi now, Ashton?  This legislation will motivate those who have partaken of the holy wafer that is marriage, to work toward a solution, before dissolution.  That could even be one of our slogans.  Cause it rhymes!

I don't think you'll see a lot of third marriages.  The end of your third marriage takes your left middle finger which brings about the additional danger of walking around signing, "I love you" to everyone.  That kind of behavior leads to fourth marriages and fourth marriages lead to a matching left and right "i love you" set.  Grasping will also get difficult . You'll probably need someone to help you with everyday tasks and . . . oh no, that could lead to a 5th marriage.  Poor ol' Elizabeth Taylor, passing away fingerless of old age.

The beauty here, of course is that 'gayness' is no longer an issue.  If you are willing to sacrifice a digit to be with your partner, you can get married.  Period.  And I defy any senator from any state anywhere to argue against the sanctity of that bond, cause now alllllllll married people have got true skin in the game.  And you better first find me a room full of 10-fingered senators (where'd Newt go?) before you come stomping to me with your "protecting marriage" bullshit.  Cause, to paraphrase Jay-Z, "If you feel'n like a pimp; come on, cut your finger off."

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