Blog-o-versary!: Talking animals!!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010 | 0 Comment(s)

So, yesterday was my blog-o-versary.  It's been one year and a day since i began this adventure into writing my craziness down.  And, while this is a personal accomplishment, i can't really get too worked up to celebrate it like its a "thing."  That doesn't mean im not supremely pleased at myself for pumping out a whopping 170 entries during my first year, im just not about to buy a cake.  So, be that as it may, lets turn to another subject i've been giving a lot of thought:  What would it be like if animals could talk? 

Scenario 1:  Let's say your dog or cat could talk.  But only for like 10 seconds.  What would that be like, do you think.  I think goes one of two ways.  Either A) the animals thoughts are vocalized into "i love you i love you i love you squirrel."  or  B) The animal, granted with the ability of speech momentarily, also gains a moment of intellectual clarity, and goes more along the lines of "my stomach is having shooting pain, i just like to walk funny like that sometimes, please leave a little more room for me at the end of the bed, im lonely." 
a comic by Justine Sterling, Darmouth '07 

Scenario 2:  Let's go one step further.  You may or not know that dolphins are one of the only other species that have sex just for fun.  They're smart, and we haven't been gearing any of our abstinence campaigns towards them, so they just go for it.  They also are one of the few species who have same-sex sex on the regular.  I wonder if we can get some of those anti-gay activists to protest gay dolphins out in the deep sea.  Deep in the deep sea.  Anyway.  Sometimes i like to think that in dolphin culture, homosexuality is treated in a very backward 1980's manner, a la that being gay is a choice and not a normative practice.  But those damn dolphins are cursed with that perma-smile and we think that they all love it.  When actually, they are thinking, "God dammit Fred, will you get off me, this isn't funny anymore."  Of course, two female dolphins is still widely accepted as hot.

Scenario 3:  Today my gf and i drove home after visiting her folks' house in approximately Canada, VT.  I felt like a NYC tourist as i got to stare out the windows at all the beautiful top-of-the-rainbow foliage.  I should say that northern Vermont and Mass are currently experiencing different seasons.  In VT, the temperature is 40 degrees and there are evergreens and a few yellows on the mostly bare trees.  3 hours later its 70 degrees and most of the trees have yet to drop their bundles.  I love VT more than most, but ill take as long an Autumn as possible.  How is this relevant to talking animals?  We're getting there. 

As my gf steers us down Route 91 toward warmer weather, all of a sudden a sizable hawk or falcon comes dive-bombing down at the windshield.  Both my gf and i make noises, neither of us screams, and she admirably keeps focus and, with only a minor swerve,  keeps us going straight along the road.  The hawk (im going to go with hawk since i definitely saw the speckled underbelly that i associate with hawks) seemed to catch a jet stream of air that carried it just barely over the car.  I swear it was a talon scraper.  If this particular bird could talk, or rather, listen, i would be like, "You fucking dumb bird.  What, you think you're going to catch this Subaru and eat it!  Wrong!  You might be endangered!  What would your momma say if she knew you were out flying into moving vehicles?  After all they've done for you, with the regurgitation and whatnot.  You really need to take some time to figure out if this "devil-may-care" lifestyle is really the direction you want your life to go in."  I would not take it easy on Senior(ita) Hawk. I would guilt trip it into depression.   No one dive-bombs my baby and gets away without an earful. 

f u hawk
Perhaps this is why animals don't talk to us. 

Either way, after we regained our breath and composure, my gf turned to me and said, "Man, the leaves sure look beautiful right now."  And she was absolutely right.

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