Spam dreams

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 | 4 Comment(s)

This gem popped up in my inbox recently.

RE: There is no a better present for a woman, than a replica jewelry.

Original and exclusive accessories take part in businessmen and ladies official life all around the world.

Such brands as Cartier, Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Dolce&Gabbana, Yves saint Laurent, Tiffany & Co.are already known all over the world on all five continents and became the symbol of wealth and success. So these accessories are copies of very good and high quality, their prices make them an unreached dream for millions of people throughout the world. But we have reached the decision for you. 
True copies of famous accessories can make you like a real businessman or an oligarch from the page of "The Forbes". Our inernet accessories shop presents thousands kinds of different units of commodity for any taste and wish. We are selling half-silvered pens, lighters, bracelets, belts, cufflinks, pins for ties and many other accessories for the lowest price in all the Network.

Um . . . crazy right?  Let's take this from the top.  You can't thing of ANYTHING better to buy for your woman than "a" replica jewelry.  Not even ONE thing.  One very obvious, staring you in the face, thing that would far exceed replica jewelry?  

And if I were to take it a different direction, one might argue that there is no present for "your woman" WORSE than replica jewelry.  But let's move on.

What does the big sentence in all red even mean?  Besides being horrific English, it's blatantly sexist: "businessmen and ladies."  That should be the new theater announcement: "Ladies and Businessmen, the amazinggggggg  . . ."   And the sentence is personifying 'accessories.'  What a horrible thing to spend time personifying.  Bring to life garage doors and porch benches, but accessories can stay inanimate.  And I can't tell if they are talking about the business men and ladies "official life," and how that would differ from their unofficial one.  I suspect the unofficial one is dirtier, it always is.

This is probably my favorite sentence of all: "True copies of famous accessories can make you like a real businessman or an oligarch from the page of "The Forbes"." A businessMan or an oligarch.  OLIGARCH.  Um . . . the Magna Carta just called and it wanted to remind you it did away with oligarchy in the 1200's. (sorry folks, thats the best oligarchy joke I got.)  You too could appear on the pages of "THE Forbes."  I love the Forbes.  It's my favorite the magazine.  I think 'the Forbes magazine' would be acceptable parlance.  But the Forbes does not the fly.

Lastly, the first thing they say they are selling is "half-silvered pens."  What the hell is that?  Anyone want to send me a replica jewelry half-silver pen so I can give my woman the best present and help her to reach her unreachable dream to feel like the businessman?


  1. Matt, I effing love you. I don't love potentially ruining my computer by spitting Vitamin Water on it when reading your witting little words, but I do love you.

  2. See? Spam is good for something after all!

  3. @Becky. You should be well aware that the feeling is mutual.

    @Ellie. It's about friggin time.

  4. "looking well off is easier than being well off"